Rules: there to be broken. Now put your mouth round this...

From the safe haven of South Africa, we return to the gun-toting murderous land we call England. Oh the irony...

So there you have it. After four weeks, 64 games and a ten-hour return flight seemingly transporting half of the world's TV media and their unfeasibly large hand luggage, our stonking month in South Africa is over. Five live games in three brilliant stadiums, the majority of the rest watched at jam-packed, passion-fuelled fan fests, and a handful of local attractions visited would suggest that we'd had a ruddy good time. And you know what, we did.

But unlike the majority of the press over here, we're not going to jump on the patronising "didn't they do well" bandwagon. Why? Well, because we never doubted that South Africa would. Honest. If we believed the scaremongering piffle that some were piping out not so long ago, we wouldn't have spent our coin going over there for the full month.

So while several embarrassed journos spend this week gorging on humble pie writing verbose pish about how Saffa upset the odds by being organised and not killing people, we'll simply thank them for being tremendous hosts, and for showing us how to have a rollicking good time in their country. And of course we'll give you our highlights and lowlights from our month out there too. Yeah, we've gone down that route. Original ain't it?

Robben Island: Arriving...and leaving. Proving once and for all that we don't do tactful photos...

Top marks to:
Germany
Forget about clinical Spain winning it for one second, and don't dare mention that sodding squid. Instead, remember that it was the Germans who played the best football and scored the most goals at the tournament. Sorry if it's painful to hear it, but those talented boys are going to be around for a long time. No wonder Ballack is feeling so insecure....

Soweto
Forgive us for being cynical (just this once), but those in the press dumbfounded that no major issues occurred during the tournament probably didn't even venture far from their four-star hotels into anywhere near where most of the problems lie anyway - the townships. Call it intrepid, naive or just bloody stupid, but we visited the fan fest in Soweto on only our second day. Being among just a visible handful of white people there among the 30,000-strong township locals in a place famous for the 1976 uprising was initially a daunting thing, don't get us wrong. But even before the place erupted for Siphiwe Tshabala's opening goal in the second half, we felt more than welcome. So much so we were invited for a meal at a township shebeen. Provided we practised the now iconic celebration. We nailed it, obviously.

England fans
Yes, 90% have tattoos, and yes, 85% of them have skin heads*, but nigh-on 100% of England's travelling fans were top craic and among the few nations capable of outsinging the vuvuzelas. And there wasn't a flying chair in sight.
*thanks to Opta for those stats. Maybe.

Robben Island/Table Mountain/Shark diving/Wine tasting
Cape Town - now that there is a world class city. Just remember to do the wine tasting last, that hangover crippled us for days.

The South Africans proving that they are class acts with a send off for Ghana...And us proving that we're anything but classy...

Let's all shit on:
France
England were woeful, Nigeria embarrassed their president, but the French were an absolute disgrace. Domenech has always been a clown, chief winge Anelka has plenty of previous, but skipper Patrice Evra showed the sort of petulance that would have Sir Alex Ferguson turning redder than the arse of a kinky baboon.

Luis Suarez
The handball was bad enough, but the tears that turned to rub-it-in-your-face delirium following Asamoah Gyan's penalty miss ensured that the Uruguayan forward won't be enjoying an African safari holiday any time soon. The cheating twat.

FIFA (TM)
For all the credit they'll be taking for introducing the World Cup to Africa, it must be noted that only Coca Cola and Budweiser was available to quench your thirst in the stadiums, local traders were prevented from working in fan fests or near games, young volunteers weren't paid, and, worst of all, they banned 36 Dutch lasses for having beer slogans on their miniskirts. Seriously Sepp, we thought that would be right up your street...

People moaning about empty seats

It may be a case to argue that the Saffas built their colossal capital stadium a touch too big, but this World Cup has gone down as the third most attended in history, behind only USA '94 and Germany '06. Ke Nako: It was time for Africa. And they turned up in numbers.

If we haven't given you enough guff from South Africa, check out more photos and videos (including us making tits of ourselves on a bucking bronco) this week on our ToePoke Facebook page.