At some point Jim was going to have to tell his teammates he'd accidentally stuck his hand to the post...

See, we haven't forgotten about it all. 81 to go...

To nasal strips, bog rolls, drop balls, northern names and matches in the snow we can now add minute's silences, half time banter and keepers wearing the same shorts as his comrades...

81. Minute's silences

We'd love to know at what point and why football's authorities decided that social etiquette in this world had become so base that the majority of people were no longer able to keep quiet for a minute as a sign of respect, but instead had to clap the whole way through like a bunch of rabid seals. For a start, it's just not natural. Who claps for a whole minute for chrissake? Only toddlers and the socially deranged do that, and we'd like to think football fans rank a tad higher than those two (just). Secondly, it just bloody hurts, with the resulting stinging preventing anyone from clapping again for another twenty minutes. Thirdly, hasn't someone stopped to ask why we're clapping for the death of someone? How is that respect? "He's finally carked it - let's honour him by doing an impression of thousands of people celebrating!". And finally, doesn't anyone remember just how spine-tinglingly brilliant the atmosphere became on the whistle signalling the end of the silence? Now everyone is so knackered after a minute's applause that they can't ruddy wait to sit down again.

So let's have a minute's silence, for the minute silence: (whistle).........................................(whistle) HA'WAYAWAYAWAYAWAYAAAARRRRGGHHH!!!

80. Keepers wearing the same shorts and socks as teammates (see pic above)

Back in the days before Petr Cech wore a full luminous kit that made him stand out more than the arse of a baboon that's just been initiated into an American college fraternity, keepers used to quite happily just don the shorts and socks of their teammates. Most would compliment them with a simple green or yellow effort, but even those bold enough (see: mental) to design their own crazy tops (see: Jorge Campos) would still be expected to don the lower garments of his outfield compadres. Now they've got their own shorts, own socks - home and away - as part of a completely different kit to the rest of the team. It means either two things: 1. Keepers have become so precious and insular they reckon they deserve to stand out even more or 2. Football has moved on from light-hearted talk of "goalkeepers' union" and "must be mad to be a keeper" to simply outcasting them as the loons that they are. What next? Defenders not going mental when a striker leaves his foot in?

79. Half time craic
Remember the days you'd simply stay where you were on the half-time whistle, turn to your dad/brother/random stranger next to you and have a bit of craic about the first half/mock the half time on-pitch entertainment/cheer at the half time scores/throw things at the away end? Great weren't they. These days any sod who hasn't buggered off for a piss which takes 20 minutes is fiddling with their iPhone trying to either a) update their statuses on Facebook b) find the scores they're about to be told about anyway c) text their mate who's gone to the bog. The day there's an "Orange mobile charging tent" in a football stadium is the day we say "Sorry, we're out". But, believe us, there's more to come in this feature about mobile phones and football matches...

Missing something from football? Fancy letting us know what it is? Get in touch, we'll send you our love. In a jar. We're here at toepoke.net@gmail.com