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Football fans asked to lend a hand in national sperm donor shortage...

In football, the term 'wanker' is thrown around with gay abandon. The players are money grabbing wankers, the managers are clueless wankers, the referee is a wanker, the fans are a bunch of wankers, the guy who sells the hamburgers is a wanker. Probably.

Anyway, it seems that this affinity for 'wankerness' has not escaped The National Gamete Donation Trust, an organisation seeking to increase the number of sperm donors in the country. According to a report on the BBC today, Gamete are now focusing on football fans to try and top up the glass, as it were. The trust claim they will accept any football fan, regardless of his shape or size.

Fair enough but what if your wife ended up being impregnated by one of those big fat guys who watch Newcastle with no top on? Would you really want to raise a child whose genes came directly from a man who felt it acceptable to parade their morbid obesity as some sort of badge of honour away to Blackpool on a freezing November evening? "Look at me everybody, I am going to die young because I haven't eaten anything that didn't contain at least 80% saturated fat since I was four. Up the Toon!"

At the donor centres, it's usually customary for the staff to offer some 'visual stimulus' to aid the process. Knowing how excited some football fans get over watching tapes of their team's past glories, we shudder to think what they will watch as they try to produce the goods. "It's Solskjaer!"....ooohhhhh...."Thomas, it's up for grabs now!"...aaggghh...."Three in the middle, it's Lineker...grunt...; horrible images indeed. It's hard to believe Gamete's scheme will ultimately prove successful. Bearing in mind the physical shape the average football fan is in, surely it won't be too long before it's terminated because some MK Dons fan with high cholesterol pulls himself into a coma over their Johnstone's Paint Trophy success.