44 years of hurt. And counting...

William Blake wrote, "I will not cease from mental fight, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand: 
till we have built Jerusalem, in England's green & pleasant land”. Rupert Brooke went for, “If I should die, think only this of me, that there's some corner of a foreign field, that is for ever England.” And Fat Les? “Me and me mum and me dad and me gran, we're off to Waterloo. Me and me mum and me dad and me gran, with a bucket of vindaloo.” Quite...

England

6/1 (Betfair)

Nickname...

The Three Lions.

How they qualified...

They were almost flawless as they topped a tricky group including Croatia and Ukraine, winning nine from ten games. Which caught most off guard, particularly the press, who seemed a little uneasy about what to write about. Given that the “Wally with a brolly” experience during the failed Euro qualifiers left the Sun running a burst England football on its front page, it was a bit of a shame not to see them blow it back up again.

Commentators most likely to bang on about...

John Lennon claimed the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. Ronnie Kray murdered George Cornell in East London. Harold Wilson's Labour Party won the General Election. Bob Dylan suffered a motorcycle collision that would eventually make his voice sound like one of The Muppets. The final episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show was aired. You may or may not know that all of these events occurred in the year 1966. One thing is for sure, whatever Clive Tyldesley says about that calendar year during the tournament, it won't be anything you haven't heard already. 74 times.

Players you'll have heard of...

John Terry, Ashley Cole, Court Injunction. We're sure one of those three isn't an England footballer, but we've seen those words in the same sentence so many times in the last few years that we're not sure which is which. Chortle.

A player you can pretend to know...

Theo Walcott. Na, not the chap who scored that sublime hat-trick in Zagreb against Steve McClaren slayers Croatia – that fella is long gone. Instead, reacquaint yourself with a player who has spent his time since doing his best to etch the phrase “shit touch for a little man” into football's book of clichés, alongside its infamous sibling. He's become so bad even Chris Waddle is slagging him off. Criticised by a man who can't even pronounce the word penalty – that's a new low Theo.

Mental Manager rating...

Don Fabio Capello. In front of the media, he's about as controversial as Ian Beale. Behind closed changing room doors, however, and we reckon he's about as unhinged as De Niro in Raging Bull, Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, Pacino in the Godfather, and a young Phil Mitchell in EastEnders when he finds out his brother's had the last Wagon Wheel. He apparently told John Terry about his sacking as England captain in under ten minutes. Fab doesn't piss around.

Chances of hooliganism...

The English? With their reputation? How ruddy dare you even suggest such a thing...

If they were a celeb they'd be...

Oasis. The press continue to laud them, but they're past their best and maybe they were never really that good in the first place...

How we reckon they'll do...

Quarter-finals, penalties, scapegoats, national mourning. It's the obvious and cheap prediction, yet it is so pitifully inevitable.