Raymond Domenech unveiled France's new assistant...

Jamie Walker reaches for the stars. And finds Raving Raymondo...

Quite why it’s taken so long to get this muggins into the great echelons of ToePoke Mentals, we’ll never know. But he’s here now, so revel in the downright weird world of France’s answer to mystic Meg, Raymond Domenech...

It’s not exactly as if Monsieur Domenech doesn’t deserve his status as a grade-A loon. After all, this is the man who refused to play Robert Pires as a result of his star sign. What is so wrong with being a footballer and a Scorpio?

Wikipedia might classify Scorpios as feminine, introverted and negative, but we thought the only people who cared about this tosh anymore were those that read that bald bloke’s astrology column in the Mail, who are by rights elderly and living in a fear-induced coma from reading said newspaper. Who knows? Maybe it’s different across the channel.

We haven’t been back there since an ill-fated exchange trip 10 years ago. Then again, probably not. Raymond is commonly referred to as “merde” by the whole of France - coincidentally, the only word we learnt on said exchange programme.

The nickname spans from his precise inability to do anything good with one of the most talented groups of footballers a nation could possibly assemble. In 2006, Domenech had at his disposal the likes of Ludo Giuly, who’d just won the Champions League with Barcelona, Phillipe Mexes, a stalwart in the Roma defence, and the aforementioned Pires. Yet none of them went to Germany.

Pascal Chimbonda did. Fabien Barthez did, which almost caused Gregory Coupet, the far superior keeper at the time, to walk out on the squad. It’s been rumoured that Marco Materazzi didn’t incur the wrath of Zidane in the World Cup Final for dissing his mum. The actual reason behind that headbutt was that Zizou couldn’t bare the idea of Domenech being part of the elite, World Cup winning coaches.

What marks Raymond out as a true mental though, is that he’s not satisfied with just being an incompetent tactician. His forays into the world of the media really embody his potent idiocy. Having been eliminated from Euro 2008 at the unambitious group stage, Domenech’s first response was not to hold a press conference, explaining his side’s poor performance. Instead, Raymond went all gooey-eyed and announced his intentions to marry his girlfriend.

After all, nothing makes an entire nation forget about footballing dross than the prospect of a feature somewhere near the back pages of French OK! Magazine. Then, there’s the porno-turned-pop sensation Catherine Ringer, who released to much acclaim the song, “Je kiffe Raymond” (I fancy Raymond).

Perhaps the best line in the song sums up the extent of Raymond’s footballing nous, which roughly translates as; “If he attacked my penalty areas, I would be without defenders.” We don’t quite understand her attraction, but if being a bumbling fool of a footballing coach sets you up with Gallic ex-pornstars, then sign us up. For that sort of opportunity, we’d take up being a mental too.