Wayne Bridge pulls out of England Squad. A nation mourns the loss of a painfully average footballer...

As one of the world's foremost sports media outlets, ToePoke.net can assert considerable influence as we see fit. Once again, we have used this power to obtain the transcripts of the telephone conversation in which Wayne Bridge informs Fabio Capello he wants to be ruled out of squad contention.

Wayne Bridge: "Hello, is that Mr. Capello?"

Fabio Capello: "Yes, it is a me. Who is this? Are you calling from training complex in the South Africa? I want you to know, that place is like a very total shit-hole! Players of the England are used to live in a nice-a place. Well, maybe not the Rooney, he from the Liverpool which a also very shit-hole but we need a nice-a place to live so we win World Cup. If no nice place, we no win cup, capiche? I have to tell the Nelson Mandela you very bad hotel. He will kick some of the ass!

WB: "Er, no Mr Capello, it's Wayne Bridge here, I am calling about the squad for the World Cup. I don't want to be considered for selection."

FB: "What a you mean you don't want consider for the World Cup?"

WB: "It's just because of all the stuff that's happened recently. You know, with John Terry sleeping with my girlfriend?"

FB: "I know it a very bad, I tell the John Terry, he no captain now. I tell him to keep  the dick in the pants or he no play again for the England. But he tell me he sleep with your ex-girlfriend. He no tell me it was your girlfriend."

WB: "Well, it was my ex-girlfriend but I still don't think I can play in the same team as him. It's still too painful for me. I don't want to speak to him again."

FB: "So let me make sure I right. You no want play for the England because the John Terry sleep with your ex-girlfriend? Every girl be the ex-girlfriend of somebody. She can't be that a good a girlfriend, otherwise you still be a sleeping in her, no?"

WB: "But that's not the point boss. We were team-mates for Chelsea on so many occasions. Ok, not that many occasions because they didn't think I was good enough and bought Ashley Cole, but he has still broken the cardinal rule of the dressing room."

FB: "No a shitting in the team bath?"

WB: "No boss, I mean no sleeping with a team-mates girlfriend."

FB: "But you say she ex-girlfriend, I no understand?"

WB: "Look Mr Capello, listen to me. I'm sorry but I don't want to play for England again. My decision is final."

FB: "(sigh) What a is it about you English players and the shagging? The John Terry is a bad boy and people tell me that the Ashley Cole has a been taking the photo of a penis and sending it to the other woman on the mobile phone. He has a very nice wife, the Cheryl Cole. She so nice, I hear a many players saying they, how you say, a cut their own ball off with a rusty spoon to even touch her left a bum cheek. But ok, if that the way you a feel, there no much I do to change the mind."

WB: "Ok Mr Capello, sorry and good luck in the World Cup."

FB: "(click) ah, the Stuart Pearce, thank God you walk in room. Wayne Bridge just a tell me he no wanna play in World Cup, who I play at the left back now, is there anybody like him?...Who is this Lee Evans? He play Premier League team?...Ah, you a take the piss from me, very good. I like you the Psycho, you funny guy."