The award for posting a picture of Julian Dicks and not inserting a crude caption goes to...shit, did we say insert? So close...

Stephen Roberts continues our quite frankly worrying, but not altogether surprising, obsession with West Ham's bongo brothers...

Things are looking a trifle grim down Upton Park. Firstly, porn barons David Sullivan/Gold purchase the debt-ridden club (introducing layered blow-up Russian dolls to the club shop). Then, a man who is the centre-forward the nation really wanted up top with Rooney, Dean Ashton, finally declares what we all sadly realised about 1.34million years ago. And, with three being the magic number, Alan 'I facking love West 'Am, I look a bit like Frank Warren, now give me 2.2million big ones so I can move on and take another side into perpetual mid-table obscurity' Curbishley finally received his settlement today.

And before you mention it, I've not forgotten about the rejected relocation to the 2012 Olympic Stadium, Kieron Dyer, well, just Kieron Dyer in general, the doubt surrounding the futures of Upson, Cole and Behrami and the possible pillaging of the club's brightest young prospects should relegation ensue. I just didn't want to seem like a heartless twat in reminding you that it's going to take some time before the club regains some sense of real stability, if such a commodity exists in today's game.

However, I sincerely hope they do. From an outside perspective, I'd say West Ham were one of these real original 'family' clubs. For a long time now they've not been mentioned in the same breath as Arsenal and Chelsea but they've still brought a lot to the English top flight in recent years. Player-wise alone they've endowed us with the likes of Di Canio, Kanoute, Wanchope, Joe Cole, Fat Frank, 'Razor Ruddock, Rio, Julian Dicks and a host of others who brought genuine character to the game.

But fear not, it seems as though Messrs Gold&Sullivan actually care about the club and, as much as it pains me to say it, both are astute men whose business acumen cannot be questioned (though their dress sense can). There's also the famed academy, who, pardon the cliché, continue to churn out young talent at a steady rate of knots. Hopefully these factors, combined with everyone's favourite non-fascist Italian to have graced the Prem, will be enough to ensure their survival and keep the Hammers off football's scrapheap.

And while their current plight is of some concern, just look at it like this. At least you're not one of those Newcastle fans who seem to have found their way out of the festering woodwork at St. James' now their side are unconvincingly winning games in the fizzy pop league...