Jamie Walker reaches the boardroom on his quest for pure footballing lunacy...

To be an upstairs mental takes far more work than a downstairs one. After all, football players are constantly in the media spotlight; as to an extent are managers. Their moves, whether sporting or ‘extra-curricular’, are hawked upon by the press and the general public. It seems fair to say then, that to gain notoriety whilst working within an often highly private strata of football is impressive. Then again, it's probably more indicative of a hardcore crazy. In the case of Vladimir Romanov, it is most definitely the latter.

To British football fans, it is most likely that Mr. Romanov is best known as the proprietor of Hearts FC. However, Vladimir also has vested interests in two other professional sides; FBK Kaunas of Lithuania, and Partizan Minsk, of Belarus.

Technically, this shouldn’t be allowed; FIFA rules stipulate that you can only own one football club at any given time, in order that the interests of the clubs are not conflicted by the interests of the owner. Has that stopped Romanov? Not so much. He does not ‘own’ Kaunas per se, but as the club’s shirt sponsor, holds great fiscal sway. Coincidentally, Ukio Bankas, the bank which Romanov set up in the early 1990s, is also the shirt sponsor of Hearts. Honest it is a coincidence. Seriously. THERE IS NO CORRELATION BETWEEN THE TWO CLUBS WHATSOEVER. Oh okay, if you insist, you probing little rascal...

There is, in fact, a long standing dispute over the legality of Romanov’s transfer dealings. Due to a legal loophole in Scottish transfer regulation, several deals have been done in the guise of loans from Kaunas to Hearts. The loophole being that non-domestic loans are exempt from a maximum quota. Subsequently, Romanov has the ability to move as many players from Kaunas to Hearts as he pleases, making Hearts (theoretically) more competitive in the SPL. The benefits are twofold.

Firstly, it means the Hearts squad can be made up of an inordinate number of loanees, selling off contractual Hearts players for profit, whilst not experiencing the negative of a diminished squad. Secondly, Kaunas serve to benefit, as whilst hardly being the zenith of footballing excellence, the SPL offers a better standard of football and greater exposure to main European markets than the Lithuanian league. Case in point being Roman Bednar, who moved on loan to Hearts immediately after signing for Kaunas. As a result of the success of this move, he subsequently transferred to West Brom; netting the Romanov football family a £2.5million sale.

What this financial model doesn’t cater for though, are the human effects. Apparently, Vlad didn’t realise that scores of Eastern European imports leads to discontent amongst one’s existing workforce. Maybe he should have consulted the plethora of Daily Star reading tradesmen before such an undertaking? For as much as it might reduce overheads, I doubt Hearts really wanted to lose players of the calibre of Craig Gordon, Steven Pressley and Andy Webster; whose talents must be seen as rarities in Scottish football.

People skills aren’t exactly a skill of Romanov’s, then. The swings-and-roundabouts culture of managers is well documented at English clubs, such as Chelsea and QPR, but Romanov’s patience for inadequacy makes those two look like exercises in longevity. Six managers in five years is hardly grounds for good consistency. What’s more, one of them, Graham Rix, was a convicted sex offender at the time. If anything smacks of poor PR nous, it’s hiring Gary Glitter to front your organistation. Especially the youth team.

In all honesty, it’s no surprise that Vladimir Romanov grew up to be the fully-fledged mental he undoubtedly is. Having been schooled on the ways of the world in the USSR, he got ahead by exploiting the decentralisation of government assets at the fall of communism. The legalities of which could be disputed forevermore. Regardless, Vlad is a loose cannon. After all, who else but a mental would resolve to buy the submarine K-19, of Widowmaker fame, having served upon the disaster vessel?