'Ok, anymore out of you and it's another yellow card'

Average ex-official becomes below average media commentator...

Here at ToePoke, we often wondered who the hell watched breakfast telly, making rotund (see also clinically obese) Eamonn Holmes  one of Sky News most popular presenters. Since the addition of a baby to the Cynical household, I'm guessing the vast majority of the viewers are fathers, pacing the room, deranged with tiredness and wondering what their life was like before a baby crying was the constant background noise to their every waking moment.

Due to a lack of viable alternatives, ie. sleep and rest, I was forced to tune into Sky Sunrise. Besides, the gaudy coloured graphics Sky like to use at least gave me the thrill of being on some sort of sleep deprived acid trip. Francis Wilson's weather report was especially enjoyable, it's a strange thing indeed to see a man tell you it's snowing everywhere, especially while riding a unicorn made out of Skittles.

And what's this? It's Graham Poll, and he is reviewing the papers, giving his opinion on issues from around the globe. Man, this trip is mental, a unicorn is one thing but an ex-referee being employed as a news analyst? Who would have thought that being awake for a few hours/days would cause such hallucinations?!

After dousing my face with cold water, as well as un-welcome projectile blast of urine from the wee man's johnson, I finally managed to get myself back to reality. Thank god, the colours have toned down, the unicorn has gone....wait a minute, fecking Graham Poll is still sitting on that sofa, spouting his opinions about world events to a fat Irish guy. How the hell does an ex-referee, who can't even comprehend that two yellow cards equals one red card get a job as a media analyst? Surely his area of expertise is only football related contentious decisions?

- "So Graham, do you think it's right that the Americans are turning back international aid planes at Haiti airport when so many people still require basic provisions in the aftermath of such an un-imagineable disaster?"

- "Well, the Americans are obviously forming a strong defensive line and I can understand why other aid teams might not like that. But under the strict rules of the international aid game, they are operating within the letter of the law. Other countries' aid team managers might not like this but as I see it, there is no actual foul play taking place."

What next? Business news with Chris Kamara ? Matt Le Tissier's political questions? The mind boggles. I could go on about the deficiencies of a mass media that thinks employing a former football official as part of its flagship news broadcast is perfectly acceptable, but I just don't have the energy. Besides, I think the baby has just started crying again...