Stephen Roberts lights a doobie, does the windmill and goes Dutch...

Amsterdam cafés, Van Gogh, cheese cocooned in non-edible red wax and the Zuider Zee project (the only bit of GCSE Geography that I remember, barring Ox-bow lakes). The Dutch are just, well, a bit daft. Their national side however, are a force to be reckoned with. This current crop of young pretenders are in with a serious shout at dethroning past masters such as Cruyff, Neeskens, Gullit and Koeman to name but a few. Let’s do this shit.
 
The Netherlands
14/1 (Paddy Power)

Nickname...
The Oranje
 
How they qualified...
With aplomb. Played eight, won eight, scored 17, conceded two. Admittedly, they were grouped alongside Norway, Macedonia and Iceland. Oh, that reminds me, not content with having already qualified, they knocked out my best mates (the Scotch) with a goal in the dying stages of the final group game. Totally uncalled for, but still piss funny.
 
Commentators are most likely to bang on about...
Total football, the fact that for all their technical nouse, they’ve still only won one major tournament, the liberal mentality of the Dutch, Amsterdam’s 'nightlife’, Bergkamp’s goal versus the Argies in ’98, Edgar David’s eye-related myths, Marc Overmars’ classic car collection, the rise and demise of Patrick Kluivert, Edam and, of course, The Beautiful South.
 
Players you’ll have heard of...
Edwin Van der Sar, Clarence Seedorf, Arjen Robben.
 
A player you can pretend to know...
Ibrahim Afellay. Yet another offensively able Dutch attacking-midfielder, he’s believed to be the love child of Robben and Rafael Van der Vaart. Made his PSV debut at 18 and is blossoming with each passing season. Has two great feet, bags of pace and skill, and could be a right steal for any potential WC Dream Team comps…
 
Mental Manager rating...
Former Feyenoord and Borussia Dortmund gaffer Bert van Marwijk. He conquered that old chestnut the UEFA Cup in 2002 with the former, then came a couple of stagnant years with the Bundesliga side, before a return to the De Kuip. Currently has his charges flying. So, not so much mental, just pretty fucking good.
 
Chances of hooliganism...
Not a chance. The Orangemen/women will be too baked to emit anything but sheer love for the world and those who walk upon it. Casting one stereotypical aspersion aside to introduce another, the Dutch are a top lot. They really are though. Plus their accent is cool.
 
If they were a celeb they’d be...
Blur’s Alex James. Give them a couple of early ‘sniffs’ and they’ll play with good rhythm, dictating the pace and tempo of the game. Also, both parties are renowned for their love of cheese.
 
How we’ll reckon they’ll do...
Their class will inevitably show through in what at first seems to be a potentially tricky group. With an attacking unit ripening to maturity and an experienced, intelligent rearguard, anything less than the semis would have to be considered a disappointment. Much relies upon the fitness of Van Per-sie (when the girl says no…) - before injury he was a man at the top of his game, justifying Wenger’s belief in him and consistently displaying a high level of performance which we’d only previously seen every third game or so. If fit, he’s going to be fresh and he’ll more than likely have goal-munchies.