"Want another orange juice Paul?"

Jamie Walker discusses the belching, swearing, mental genius...

This week’s ToePoke dose of crazy might just be the most notorious loon to ever grace the beautiful game. We are, of course, referring to Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne; mercurial talent, rampant alcoholic, and all-round clown.

What’s strange about Gazza, compared to the other crazies, is that he is still remembered with fondness. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who hates him. Well, maybe the televised retort, “Fuck off Norway” didn’t exactly endear him to the Scandinavian hammer-wielders. Then again, the Norse are renowned for their neutrality. We’d back Gazza to take ‘em on, and win, providing he’d sloshed down enough Newkie Brown to make Barry Chuckle look like Pam Anderson.

This isn’t by any stretch vintage Gazza, nor is it even the great Geordie’s best use of “Fuck”. When asked to mouth his name, as part of a glorious BBC initiative of having the players of Italia ’90 read their names as a means of giving the team details, our Paul had a momentary lapse, temporarily thinking his name was “fucking wankers”. They used the footage throughout the tournament. That showed them for making Gaz pay for a TV licence.

Perhaps this is where the legend of Gazza was defined. And why the public did, and still does, love him. At that World Cup, he played with his balls to the wall, and his teary face came to symbolise the way the public felt. Yet, a few days later, he’d acquired himself a nice pair of plastic boobies. Classy. Come to think of it, can see where Bianca got the idea from now.

In order to convey the true fruity, cakey nature of Paul Gascoigne’s inner sanctum, perhaps its best to compile a rundown of our favourite ‘Gazzecdotes’...

• Recorded Fog on the Tyne, a song about beer, sausage rolls and inclement weather. Became the nation’s favourite Geordie pop act in spite of being shit. Better than PJ and Forehead mind.
• After getting his nuts vice-gripped by Vinnie Jones, decided it would be best to reply amorously, sending a rose. Vinnie sent back a toilet brush.
• Has a tendency to have an impromptu 'go’ at non-footballing work. Not quite humanitarian, but watching Paul play with a pneumatic drill or a double-decker bus sounds like a new reality show we’d actually watch.
• Yellow carded a referee. And got booked for it.
• Has the mate that every bloke wishes they had, a fat, aggressive Geordie named Jimmy “Five Bellies”. Gets drunk with Jimmy. We are not worthy.

If in a few years someone decides, and we hope they do, to dramatise the life of Paul Gascoigne, that they don’t omit the mental. Paul is from the seventh chamber of crazy. And we love him for it. Sod Terry Wogan and Kerry Katona, Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne is a true national treasure; messed up, prodigious, and eccentric.