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With January now upon us, despite Premier League managers seemingly not giving a shit about the window, the papers are full of transfer news. Oh the joy...
 
The Sun
"Wenger's £9m swoop for Cole"
No, Arsenal's manager doesn't have a really old fashioned fire (chortle), but the cole in question here is West Ham's Carlton. You know the one, he was England's next best striker when at Chelsea, then shit at West Ham, and now he's suddenly good again. And those truth-wardens at the Sun reckon he's off to The Arse if Denmark's Player of the Year (TM) Nicklas Bendtner fails a fitness test on Friday. "Bendtner is being treated now and will come back on Friday for tests. If he is out for another two months, we will need to buy someone, absolutely," said Arsene while chopping wood for his furnace. So it's Bendtner or Cole for Arsenal fans. It's a bit like choosing whether you'd rather have the flu or a common cold. They should ask Owen Coyle for advice...

The Mirror
"Juan Veron snubs Mancini's City offer"
We've got Arsene at Arsenal, Mancini at Man City - what are the odds on Burley at Burnley? But we digress. The Mirror claim that City's new merchandise model, aka manager, is after the Argentine midfielder who captivated the Premier League with Man Utd and Chelsea all those years ago. Coming after his attempt to bring Paddy Vieira to Eastlands, has someone forgotten to let Mancini know that time has moved on in this country? It's no longer the mid-90s over here Bobby mate. Rumours that he's after Darren Anderton, Dwight Yorke and Matt Le Tissier have been made up on this very spot.

Daily Star
"Kilbane may join Wolves"
Every now and then there's a player who puzzles us with the inexplicable amount of top-flight bosses who seem to actually rate him. Kevin Kilbane, come on down! Ask a fan of any of his former clubs what the greatest thing he did in their shirt was, and they'll struggle worse than Tom Hanks taking a piss in the Green Mile. Yet apparently Big Mick is set to hand Killer his fifth Premier League contract in ten years. Don't forget also that this man has 102 international caps for his adopted country. Not bad for someone with no discernible skill or talent. There's hope for us all.

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