Branislav? Anton? Kenwyne? What's wrong with Len, Stanley and Archie?

Chris Keeley chips in with more things we no longer see at football matches...

To nasal strips, bog rolls and proper drop balls, you can now add northern names, Jamie Redknapp's humility and great tannoy announcements...

87. Northern names in the top flight
Last week's Premier League scorers had more syllables between them than a Dutch dictionary, but scour the lower leagues and you're still sure to find a plethora of ruddy, flat-capped surnames. For example the depressingly monikered trio of Talbot, Pitman and Dagnall, who all hit the net in League Two last week. It's like an episode of Coronation Street down there. Sadly for them though, you know they're never gonna hit the big-time. You just can't imagine someone with the surname Branston playing in the Prem nowadays, let alone fronting an ad campaign for a new aftershave. Far better to be called Mancienne or something equally as poncey. Look at Turnbull at Chelsea for example. Ancelotti took one look at the staff list and assumed he was the janitor, THAT'S the real reason he never gets a game. Northern children, it's time to face the facts - if your last name is the same as a mining town, you're better off packing up the football and sticking to carrying a loaf of Hovis up a cobbled hill. Sorry.

86. Jamie Redknapp's sense of humility
Granted, he did marry Louise and yes, he does have a fantastic array of skinny ties and so, to a certain degree, we are willing to accept the unmistakeable air of smug self-satisfaction that Jamie has really made his own. Where we feel that he's lost his way, however, is in the Sky Sports studio, a place where his superiority complex really comes to the fore. When you see him continually interrupting Glenn Hoddle or grilling Roy Hodgson over a managerial decision, you really want someone to step in. If only once Hoddle would cut J.R off in mid-flow with something along the lines of: "I'm sorry Jamie, but while I do appreciate your perfect cheekbone-structure and cockney barrow-bow demeanour, I must point out to you that while you only made 300 appearances in a career characterised by unfilled potential, I was considered the greatest English player of my generation and as such, if I could get a word in edgeways that would be 'triffic". Richard Keys and Andy Gray would then remove their overcoats to reveal replica '96 cup final suits and dance on the desk to Eternal's Greatest Hits. At this point, 'arry's lad nods contritely and makes hushed promises to mend his ways - it'd be like Dickens' A Christmas Carol for the modern age.

85. Epic tannoy announcements
OK fine, without mobile phones we wouldn't be able to stream episodes of The Simpsons while sitting on the toilet, but even such a base pleasure as that pales into comparison to the joy received from an epic tannoy announcement. Picture the scene; a crowded terrace, the tense final minutes of a game, and then “WOULD JOHN SMITH PLEASE REPORT TO RECEPTION, YOUR WIFE HAS JUST GONE INTO LABOUR.” That's some impressive commitment right there - the impending birth of a child, not to mention probable wrath of a pregnant woman has been brushed aside in favour of going to the game. This is made more impressive by the fact that he knows the only way his wife can contact him will be through the public address system. 1. He's putting his faith in the club's receptionist to accurately deliver the message. 2. By that time he would have to meet her at the hospital, thus increasing time spent watching football and 3. He was willing to share all that with 30,000 people, take the inevitable cheer with good grace and scuttle out of the ground... right after that next attack.

With 84 to go, it might take a while, but boy will we get there. Fancy sending us a suggestion? Get in touch with us here at toepoke.net@gmail.com