Jose on a good day...
ToePoke's Stephen Roberts becomes number 62 of 55,678 people who'll air their views on the Champions League draw...
This is passion. This is football. This is magic. Said the boring, bald, Swiss fella.
Well it was inevitable. Chelsea would be paired with Inter and Man United with AC Meelan. What are the odds? Cue Sky Sports reseachers digging out that clip of Mourinho pegging down the Old Trafford touchline, that clip of Becks dribbling in his AC training gear and that clip of Kaka mugging The Fletch, avoiding Heinze, Evra and potential decapitation before slotting past Van der Sar. Admittedly unearthing the Mourinho clip shouldn't be too much of a task. It gets an outing every week.
So what happens next?
Man Utd execs harp on about what a spiffing welcome Big Dave will receive, Chelsea's suits follow...erm...suit, and await the overcoated one's return, whilst José rings David Haye's trash talk writer for some ammo. We have something reminiscent of that call.
JM: (in a stereotypical Portuguese/Spanish/Italian/French? accent) Allo,this is José Mourinho, you may remember me from films zuch az... I'm just playing the jokes, I lav the Simpsons. Am I zpeaking weeth David 'Aye's Trash Talk Writer?
DH'sTTW: Why yes it is José old chap. How are we? Does your wife still look somewhat like the lovechild of Tracy Emin and Yoko Ono? Sorry José, how impertinent of me. Just can't leave my work at the office these days. How can I be of assistance?
JM: Well you zee, ze thing eez I ave an important match against my old club, Chelsea. I need your help.
DH'sTTW: Ah I see, I see. Hmm... tricky one there good fellow. You could say something along the lines of "They may be big in North London, but so are the pensioners."
JM: Zat is sheet. I thought you were good at the insults? I read about your David Aye zaying that in Switzerland they ave Yodellers and Toblerones and 1million Kevin Johnsons. This was amuzing. Anything like this?
DH'sTTW: Ah José, old buddy old pal. Do you really want to leave your loyal, devoted Chelsea following with a sour taste in their mouths?
JM: Toblerones, they are not zour are they?
DH'sTTW: No old sport, no. I think you misunderstood me. I thought you loved the Chelsea fans. I thought you held them with kindest regard, as they do unto you?
JM: Correct.
DH'sTTW: So why are you looking to ruffle their ruble-laden blue feathers?
JM: Because this is me, the ruffling of the feathers is my trade. My name is José dos Santos Félix Mourinho, the man, father to...
DH'sTTW: Look José, this isn't going to work out. For once, just be polite.
JM: But I was last time polite. And it killed me almost. But not yet, not yet.
DH'sTTW: José, I feel my services are not needed here. I'd advise you to go there, be humble and enjoy the evening. (click)
JM: And make them eat the humble pies? Hello? Hello? Do you have the number of Frankie Boyle? He knowz good, offensive comedic jokes. Hello?
99 things you no longer see at football matches