Say hello to Tuesday's nonsense...

Cesc Fab reckons the Arse are too gnomey, a fat Brazilian is on his way to East London, and Tony Pulis likes to fight in the buff...
 
The Guardian
"Fabregas wants to sign a striker with a more direct approach"
Admittedly, the Guardian aren't going to win headline of the year with that effort. In fact we've got half a mind to stop writing as we're certain people will still be reading the headline for the next twenty minutes. The very same story in the Sun proclaims: "Cesc: we're short Arsenals", which pretty much does the job of the story right there. Yep, it seems the Arsenal captain is the latest to jump on the bandwagon of labelling Arsenal as under-physical as an excuse for their recent dip in form. One minute they were diminutive geniuses, a couple of losses later and they're now powderpuff pygmies. Now then, according to Cesc, they need a powerful and robust figure upfront, who will cause defenders the sort of bother Didier Drogba did against the Arse. Someone should tell him about that tall lad from Togo at City, he's pretty handy...
 
The Sun
"Zola plots Adriano move"
It's striker number 323 to be linked to Upton Park in the last two weeks, given that Carlton Cole is once again crocked (reason for this: we have him in our fantasy team, along with Fernando Torres). The thing that the press love to conveniently forget, however, is that West Ham have a transfer balance of zero. And while big fat knacker Brazilian mark II will cost nowt in transfer fees from Flamengo, it's understood that his wages are the equivalent to the GDP of Denmark. But Adriano has been quoted as saying: "It's not just about the money, there are other things." Like pies.

The Mail
"Stoke boss Pulis apologises"
There's not much to add to this story really - mental boss goes bizberk, nuts star striker, apologises to rest of the squad. Popping Jimmy Beats on the transfer list is sure to follow we've no doubt. So that's that then. Oh, hang on, what's this line we read in the Mail today? "Pulis, who, it is understood, was naked when he attempted to butt the 31-year-old former England striker, called his players together before training yesterday and said sorry for his conduct." Pulis was stark bollock when he planted one on Beattie? There's an image nobody needs before 10am in the morning...