Sir Cliff the morning after the LTA's Christmas Bash.

ToePoke's resident spit-roaster, Stephen Roberts, laments footballers' impeccable behaviour...

We all know what we would be doing were it not for the female of the species - loitering on street corners and cheap cider, agreed?
 
We all know what we'd do with our time and money as well? I.e. Spend both commodities a la Best. But sadly, times have changed. No longer are "birds, booze and fast cars" all that the modern player desires. Apparently picking up squillions of wonga a week for being distinctly average players just isn't enough for Anton "second place in the most one-sided sibling rivalry since Lewis and Nicholas Hamilton" Ferdinand, and "do do doooo" Nigel Reo-Coker. Nada.
 
Best friends forever and ever, Anton and Nigel made a nice little music video together. Bless them eh? With their funny little crunks and giving out their strange little vibes... Ah fuck it. I can't do this anymore. Have you ever witnessed anything as cringingly pathetic? Two young millionnaire footballers, staying in on a Friday night, asking mummy if it's OK to move the furniture to make a dancefloor so they can practice their routine. If I hadn't already blown chunks thanks to an over-indulgence of my current tipple (White Lightning, in case you were wondering), then I would certainly do so now.
 
If Steve Bruce ever sees this he will go absolutely ape-shit. Not that Brucey isn't a fan of R'n'B. I heard, and this is a true story by the way, that he and Paul Parker actually laid down the beats on Eminem's second album The Marshall Mathers LP. No, the reason why el broken-nosed one will be incensed, is that the video clearly shows Ferdinand displaying hand-eye coordination, something which he often declines to do on a football pitch.
 
All I'm saying is that these footballers have got a lot to make up for during the club's Xmas bash period. It's all got a little bit dull. Whatever happened to the rockstar footballer? I know it's a bit premature, but this year I'm asking Santa for at least three spit-roast scandals, two sexual assault claims and a black eye for Wayne. From Coleen.