After a 'non' from the French to a replay, the FAI opt for plan B. And then C...

Still aggrieved at the handball that ended their hopes of automatic qualification for the World Cup, it has emerged the Football Association of Ireland formally asked FIFA to include them anyway. Sepp Blatter revealed the FAI asked him to find a place for an extra - 33rd - team in next year's tournament. Once again, we at ToePoke have managed to locate the official transcript of the conversation between Blatter and the FAI's representative.

FAI: "Hello, is that the FIFA head office? Or should I say 'head office of protecting dirty cheatin' French players'? Put me through to Sepp Blatter!"

Sepp Blatter: "Hello, who is this? Why are you bothering me? I am working out how much money we will make from the World Cup and it's difficult. There is so much to count, especially since we are paying the South African's who are building the stadiums so little money. What do you want?"

FAI: "As you know Mr Blatter, we suffered an incredible injustice in our play-off game with France. Thierry Henry clearly handled the ball and as a result we were out of the World Cup. We asked for a replay but the French have said no. With that in mind, we think you should include us in the tournament anyway."

SB: "What?!"

FAI: "You heard. We, humbly, request that you create an extra space for us. We want you to extend the number of teams to 33. We would be the 33rd team."

SB: "Have you been drinking that Guinness your country is so famous for? The World Cup is for 32 teams only. 32! We cannot just create an extra place for a team, it is inconceivable."

FAI: "But it's only fair Mr Blatter. We were really great that night in Paris, every man at the FAI thought we would get horsed. And then the French cheated and we went out. So it's only fair that we are allowed to take part in South Africa."

SB: "Correct me if I am wrong sir but did you have some time left in the game to score a goal after the incident?"

FAI: "Er..yes..but we were all too sad at what had happened to try and think about scoring another goal to make sure we qualified. Besides, we had already missed loads of other chances in the game, so what was the point of trying to score another. Anyway, this is straying from the matter at hand. Let us play in the World Cup!"

SB: "But sir, what about the penalty Robbie Keane cheated to get against Georgia in the qualifier. Had you not got that, you might not have even been in the playoffs. I don't remember you offering Georgia a replay. Even your former captain, Roy Keane, has said you don't deserve to be in the tournament."

FAI: "Don't listen to a feckin' word that feckin' little fecker says! He is just a stupid Cork fecker who is still pissed off at us because we didn't have enough bibs for a game of five-a-sides at the Japan World Cup. He was just spoilt at Man Utd, with all their full size goals and fully inflated footballs. Just let us in the World Cup ya Swedish Fecker!"

SB: "No."

FAI: "This is so unfair, you just wanted France to qualify because they are sponsored by Diadorra and you only use Hummel footballs or something like that. Ask Damien Duff, he knows what I mean. So, it's a no then?"

SB:"Yes, it's a no."

FAI: "There was something else we had in mind'"

SB: "Go on."

FAI: "Could we be seeded for the 2014 World Cup? We would like to be put in a group that would make it easier for us to qualify."

SB: "Ok, that may be possible. I have to go now, Jack Warner has just arrived and he wants to go over some more flimsy reasons for not awarding the 2018 World Cup to England. I will put my secretary on. Just dictate what you have in mind and we will give it serious consideration. Goodbye."

FAI: Hello, is that the secretary? Ok, good. Your boss just told me he is happy for us to have an easier qualifying group for the World Cup and he said we could choose our own opposition. What's that? No it isn't highly unlikely he would say that. Anyway, just listen and take this down. Ok, for the next qualifying group we choose the following opposition. Lapland...Barnsley...Melchester Rovers... (click) Hello? Hello? Are you still there...? Hello....?