That'll do Pig. That'll do...

We might not win many, but boy when we do...

That's right punters, the pints are on us tonight. It might have been Meat Loaf who sang two out of three ain't bad, but that fat shit didn't know what he was talking about. In our case, one out of three is ruddy fine, particularly when that one gains you a profit of £236.50.

So Manchester United didn't win both halves, nor did our four draws accie come in. But if, like Alan Sugar, we had a badge that said “speculate to accumulate”, we'd definitely be weari...actually no, we still wouldn't have it on for fear of social derision, but we'd agree with the sentiment nonetheless.

For it was bet number three that came in big style, as we whacked £3.50 on all seven of this evening's Champions League games to finish with under three goals, with winnings of £240. “What about CSKA 2 Wolfsburg 1” we hear you fictionally cry to continue this narrative? Well, we didn't include it in the bet. Why? It's one of two reasons:

a) We're football geniuses, knew there would be over 2.5 goals, and therefore left it out.

b) We didn't realise it was kicking off earlier than the others, and it was too late to include it in our accie.

We'll let you decide. Either way, a big thank you must go to Europe's premier competition, for being a big sack of steaming turd. Cashback!