The actual phone used to inform Sir Alex of his terrible fate

How will Utd manager cope with two game ban against Everton and Portsmouth?

The Football Association have handed Sir Alex Ferguson a four match ban, with two of those games suspended until the end of the 2010/11 season. They really have thrown the proverbial book at the Man Utd manager this time. Once again, ToePoke has managed to use it's considerable resources to secure the tape-script of the phone call in which Peter Griffiths QC, chairman of the FA's improper conduct committee, informs Sir Alex of his punishment.

Peter Griffiths: "Good afternoon, may I speak to Sir Alex Ferguson please?"

Sir Alex Ferguson: "It's me, who the hell are you?"

PG: "Good afternoon Sir Alex, it's Peter Griffiths on the line, I am calling to inform you about the FA's decision regarding your recent comments regarding one of our association referees, Mr Alan Wiley."

SAF: "What the fuck is all this about? Alright, wait a minute, I am just dealing with something...Nani, ya wee prick, I will talk to you later but let me tell you son, yer tea's oot at this club. I got rid of Jaap Stam for less and he wasn't even pish! You have made me look like a mug too many times ya wee fanny, yer lucky I don't give you a good boot in the swingers! Now, get oot of ma office. And get a haircut, perms went oot of fashion when you were still hitting shite crosses in yer maw's womb!..ok, now what do you want?!"

PG: "Er, I am just calling to inform you that we are banning you from the touchline for four games, as a consequence of the comments you directed towards Alan Wiley."

SAF: "Four fucking games! For saying a referee is not fit? He is the one who should be banned, the flabby bastard! Are you actually trying to tell me that we drew 2-2 with Sunderland because we played shite? The reason we didn't shaft that mob is because Alan Wiley couldn't keep up with our scintillating attacking play because he was breathing oot of his arse after the first three minutes. Now I'm banned for four games, this is a fucking disgrace!"

PG: "Well actually Sir Alex, it's the next two games, the other two games are suspended until the end of the 2010/11 season. So you will be banned from the touchline for the games against Everton at home and Portsmouth away."

SAF: "Well thank your fucking lucky stars sunshine that those two games will be a piece of piss for us, like the Sunderland game would have been for us too by the way if it hadn't been for that 'kebabs for breakfast' Wiley. I mean, how the hell is he even a referee!?"

PG: "Mr Ferguson, may I inform you that Mr Wiley is one of our most distinguished referees and his personal fitness is beyond reproach. In fact, statistics show that he ran 11 kilometres during that game, a distance greater than many of your players."

SAF: "Listen pal, you watch who you are talking to. I will tell you a statistic. It will take me about five fucking minutes to run 11 kilometres to put my foot squarely up your arse, where the OPTA don't shine!"

PG: "Sir Alex, each member of the commission recognise your achievements within the game but we feel this is an appropriate punishment in light of your comment against Mr Wiley, which we feel were grossly improper and wholly inappropriate."

SAF: "You talk some shite mate. Do you know what's grossly inappropriate? Allowing some lard-ass to referee a game that we should have won easily. That tit with the goatee at Liverpool keeps moaning that a beach ball won the game for Sunderland against them, and everybody said 'poor Liverpool'.   The reason Sunderland got a draw against us was because we had a beach ball refereeing the game, where is our fucking sympathy? Now I am getting banned? When the socialist revolution comes, pricks like you will be first against the wall!"

PG: "Mr Ferguson, the panel's decision is final and I would suggest that you consider your future conduct otherwise we may be forced to enforce the extra two game ban which is currently suspended. Please be advised we will not hesitate to take this further action if there are any further discretions on your part."

SAF: " Let me advise you that any further pish from you will result in my fist smacking you right in yer jaw. Now piss off ya bampot, I am a busy man you know. I have got oor Darren on the other line, he has just got the sack. He went to the board and said the reason his team were playing shite was because his players weren't good enough. If he had just listened to his auld da and blamed the shite refereeing in that division he would still be employed. He might have the Ferguson name, but he's not got the management genius yet."