It's the feature we'll no doubt regret starting...

Football, it's great isn't it? At least, the majority of time it is. Yet you'll always get the cynical old bastards who'll insist that it's not as good as it used to be. Well guess what, we're that old bastard, so here we give you the 99 reasons why. It's the brilliant stuff we no longer see at football matches...

99. Bog roll being chucked on to the pitch
Why did people stop doing this? Is it because of the recession? If anything, bog roll is cheaper these days – you can get six for a quid at Poundland. There was nothing funnier than seeing a goalkeeper being hit by a roll of Andrex. Rather than with sharpened coins and burning flares, it's hard for footballs authorities to get uppity about the hilarious sight of footballers being pelted with shit rag. Which is precisely why it should come back.

98. Vulgar mascots (see video)
Remember when mascots were simply the local pisshead dressed in a big furry suit? He'd go from benefits-thief to entertainer-extraordinnaire quicker than Clark Kent in a phone box. How we'd laugh at their foolish, lewd and often violent actions on the pitch. These days we get sanitised, Americanised bollocks from Children's TV-type presenters who've no doubt been put through vigorous social testing. Boring.

97. Perms
We don't need to list them, you know the culprits from days of yore. Think now of the bland, cliché-ridden footballers, back then even their hairstyles had more character, without even needing to dye it. An honourable mention, however, must go to Marouane Fellaini. God knows exactly what it is that adorns his head, but fair play nonetheless.

96. Proper floodlights
We're talking about the ones that looked like pylons, that you could spot three miles away, meaning you could use them for directions when travelling to a new ground. They were so cool, we all wanted to buy the replica Subbuteo versions. These days they're barely noticeable, pretty much the same size as the lights in your living room, just with mega-wattage. Alright, so it's probably more “eco-friendly”, but they make night matches seem half as interesting.

And you get the jist. So, only 95 to go then. Fancy sending us a suggestion? Get in touch with us here at toepoke.net@gmail.com