What do you miss most about Cristiano Ronaldo? His penetrating runs down the wing? His magnificent leaps to get his head onto the end of a cross? His free-kicks that arrow into the top corner after bending so much that they defy the laws of physics? For us, it's none of the above.

What we really miss is the guy's complete lack of self-awareness. This is a man who genuinely believes that he is the greatest human being that God ever invented. Despite his millions, he still manages to dress in gear that looks like it was taken off the reduced-rail at TK Maxx, and swans around thinking he looks like the money. The rest of civilistaion thinks he looks like a bell-end.

But it seems that Cristiano has turned his twat-o-meter up to 11 since he moved to Spain. Just when you thought he couldn't become any more ridiculous he goes and records a bloody pop song. A song so cheesy that it makes Westlife look like The Doors. Oh Cristiano, how we miss you and your crazy, self indulgent, almost unbearably egotistical ways. We can't wait till you finally accept Man City's millions and chase the money back to our shores so that we can see once again, in close quarters, what a tool you are.