'Hey English players, here's something you'll never do.'

Thank you South Africa, you were wonderful. (Unlike this lot)

When a World Cup ends, people often experience a feeling of melancholy deep inside. What most people don't realise is the gnawing pain is actually the first stages of cerrosis of the liver, brought on by drinking over a thousand bottles of strong lager throughout the tournament which they purchased from LIDL's for less than 13p a litre. For the lucky few who manage to avoid an alcohol induced premature death, they can take the memories of each passing World Cup into later life.

As I was one of... [More]

Rules: there to be broken. Now put your mouth round this...

From the safe haven of South Africa, we return to the gun-toting murderous land we call England. Oh the irony...

So there you have it. After four weeks, 64 games and a ten-hour return flight seemingly transporting half of the world's TV media and their unfeasibly large hand luggage, our stonking month in South Africa is over. Five live games in three brilliant stadiums, the majority of the rest watched at jam-packed, passion-fuelled fan fests, and a handful of local attractions visited would suggest that we'd had a ruddy good time. And you know what, we did.

But unlike the majority of the press over here... [More]

Pauli: Better than Lawro...

It's World Cup Final day! And we're backing the octopus...

The problem with going to a World Cup in a magical and distant land, is that you begin to feel a little guilty after nigh on a month doing sod all bar watching football in bars and swanky new stadiums.

So with us at ToePoke being the cultured types (who’s that laughing at the back?), we’ve spent the time since our last update doing just what Lonely Planet told us to do... [More]

That's meant to be a football pitch. Based on Wembley's surface then we're guessing...

More Dutch delight - this time in Port Liz...

"In the first half, it was so bullshit that I went outshide at half time for a schmoke. Then second half, we cut them to pieces like pork chops."

We've no idea what Hansen and co. made of Holland's shock win over Brazil on Friday, but the bruising Dutch gent (see pic below) we spoke to after the game can't have been too far off with his unique analysis. The big fella in question had... [More]

The Superman ToePoke tshirt reveal, producing gurning idiots the world over...

We’ve still got nearly two weeks to go, but these are the things we’ll be taking back to Blighty with us so far…

1. New vocabulary
We like to make an effort when visiting new countries, and so far we’ve picked up some wondrous new South African slang words. There’s a little nod to cricket when people greet you with... [More]

Singing the Dutch national anthem today...give a warm welcome to Shteve McClaren...

The sun is bright in Durban, and the future is Oranje...

Hangovers are rarely relished, but the one we woke up with yesterday following England's miserable yet sadly inevitable demise against the Germans was a particularly punishing one.

Due to the unexpected rain in Durban... [More]

ToePoke in Port Liz...

We travel back north, and recount our Port Elizabeth jaunt...

Seeing as we have a ticket for Holland v Slovenia (damn those pesky Italians), we're back in sunny Durban, meaning we'll be watching today's big England game on the beach again. Which should make a defeat on pens easier to digest.

Port Elizabeth was a blast, and if... [More]

Famines. Things of the past in this part of Africa...

A quick word before we head to Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium...

During the opening credits of the South African World Cup coverage, a little boy stands up and bellows the words “Ke Nako!”. It’s a phrase meaning “it’s time” in the Sesotho language – one of 11 spoken over here – and there will be few critics remaining who doubt that 2010 really was the perfect time for Africa and South Africa specifically to step up to the main stage... [More]

Booze in the stands. And England fans. And no trouble? What the...

It's patronising pats on the head all round for Rodders and co...

At least four locals had asked us prior to the game if our "boys are going to behave themselves", as if they were all five-year-old terrors prone to pissing on school hymn sheets, and the Saffas' fear regarding the potential hooligan element was palatable and somewhat embarrassing... [More]

ToePoke does Table Mountain. And the critics said we'd never reach the heights...

We arrive in the Mother City...

"Perhaps it was history that ordained that it be here, at the Cape of Good Hope that we should lay the foundation stone of our new nation. For it was here at this Cape, over three centuries ago, that there began the fateful convergence of the peoples of Africa, Europe and Asia on these shores." [More]