Stephen Roberts examines the chances of everyone's favourite sportsman's, Ronaldo, national team...

Portugal. Point of departure for a few of Christopher Columbus' nautical jaunts. Point of departure for a couple of England's recent big tournament failures. Boys and girls, South Africa 2010 is already under way and there ain't no time for tenuous cultural links. Just wikipedia them for chrissake, that's all we do anyway... [More]

Spain. The team most experts (and us) are tipping to win the competition...

In days gone by, Spain was most famous for cruelty to bulls, General Franco, tapas and putting up with obese, alcohol ravaged, lobster-skinned English tourists in the name of making a few pesetas. Now, they are known for, well, all of these things still but you can also add an amazing national team to that list. The Euro 08 champs are aiming to become World Cup winners for the first time in their history. And who can stop them, apart from Brazil or dysentary after a dodgy paella. [More]

Serbia. Not only famous for warlords like Arkan and women who are quite good at tennis. Jamie Walker reckons they aredecent at football too...

What do Yugoslavia, Serbia & Montenegro, and Serbia have in common? That's right, they're all the same ruddy place. Well, it keeps getting smaller, what with all the splitting up and forming new countries, but they represent the same place at international football. Answers for who will be representing that part of the Balkan region in 2014 on the back of a postcard... [More]

Say 여보세요 to World Cup veterans, South Korea...

They're ranked 47th in the world, a bit-part Manchester United player is integral to their cause, and they recently lost to Belarus. So South Korea are utter garbage right? Wrong...

*Ps - that above means "hello" in actual Korean. It's not just wingdings. Honest... [More]

Shrimps, barbies, convicts. Say G'day to Oz...

We once saw Rolf Harris live at Glasto. He was ace. Except, when he sang famous bush ballad Waltzing Matilda, we couldn't help but sing the words as re-written by travelling England cricket fans: “We f**ked Matilda, we f**ked Matilda, we f**ked Matilda and so did our mates, and she moaned and she groaned as we f**ked her up the billabong”. We daren't think what would've happened if Rolfy had heard. So it's a good job he didgerididn't... [More]

Ah, Slovenia. The home of, erm...

So, we've now got all of England's muckers in Group C. Algeria, now they looked handy at the African Nations, and the USA, well, these days they have an annoyingly strong side. But what of Slovenia? If only we'd gone to that party, it could've been the start of a beautiful friendship... [More]

Jamie Walker smells something rotten. Lots of ruddy bacon...

William Shakespeare once wrote, "something is rotten in the state of Denmark". Based on our knowledge of those Scandinavians, nowadays it is more likely to refer to gone-off bacon than fratricidal kings. Still, let us whittle along to you, dear readers, about the home of Peter Schmeichel, Carlsberg and Lego... [More]

Jamie Walker takes a look at the now eerily likeable German side...

In 1841, August Heinrich Hoffmann wrote the lyrics "Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles; uber alles in der Welt." Much to the relief of Englishmen the world over, the Germans haven't been world beaters since 1990. So, sit back with a Bratwurst, pull up those Lederhosen, and enjoy the ToePoke synopsis of our industrious chums, the Germans... [More]

Stephen Roberts checks out Chile. As in Chil-ee. Not to be confused with Adrian 'I wish I was chiselled like Frank Lampard' Chile...s

General Augusto Pinochet once said "I regret and suffer those losses, but it's God's will. He will pardon me if I committed excesses, but I don't think I did." Admittedly believing him is a bit of a chore. The man managed to plunder $28million during his reign as the Chilean non-dictator, which coincidentally, is the same figure that Lazio forked out to ship Marcelo Salas over from River Plate. You do the math. Comrades, without further ado, we give you ToePoke's guide to the world's third largest exporter of copper... [More]

Cos everyone roots for the rank outsiders. Don't they?

Blimey, we really are pushing to complete these guides before the start of the World Cup aren't we? As if it's not bad enough, we predicted when we started them aeons ago that we'd end up doing about nine in the final week by which point people will know everything there is to know about everyone anyway. So, North Korea then smartarses... [More]