"Most footballers are knobs". You said it Joe...

Joey Barton said last week that he's living a "monk-like existence". So Jamie Walker highlights Joseph's monastic life story...

Controversy can be a dangerous mistress to court, especially when you live a life as in the public eye as the modern-day footballer. Even so, it can sometimes work out for the best. Everyone questioned the merits of Wayne Rooney’s decision to plough that granny hooker a few years back, but look at him now.

She was clearly a ‘man maker’ of the highest order; whatever elixir came from that fusty old crevice clearly gave its consumer prodigious footballing acumen, and whatever we... [More]

Neville Southall was chuffed with the new look...

Jamie Walker takes on the dust-loving Scorpion King...

Few could bring a smile to the face of football fans the world over like René Higuita, the 5’9” Colombian keeper who has seemingly ticked every box regarding all-round legend status in the game. Not only that, but he’s repeatedly shown all the extravagances necessary to be a ToePoke Mental. For those aspiring for such accolades, take note... [More]

Roa: Batty...(see what we did there?)

Jamie Walker gets apocalyptic with the former Argie keeper...

Religion can make people do some crazy things. Still, we like to think that at Toepoke, there is a space for each and every creed known to man. We don’t care if you worship the bearded G-Man up in the sky, sacrifice men to the Aztec gods or even kneel to almighty Ra, as long as you’re prepared to respect that we follow the word of the ball. That said, if what you believe in contradicts what we do, we’re happy to lambast you (unless you’re part of a murderous Aztec horde, in which case we wish you all the best in your endeavours.)

...Cue Carlos Roa... [More]

Raymond Domenech unveiled France's new assistant...

Jamie Walker reaches for the stars. And finds Raving Raymondo...

Quite why it’s taken so long to get this muggins into the great echelons of ToePoke Mentals, we’ll never know. But he’s here now, so revel in the downright weird world of France’s answer to mystic Meg, Raymond Domenech... [More]

Jamie Walker reaches the boardroom on his quest for pure footballing lunacy...

To be an upstairs mental takes far more work than a downstairs one. After all, football players are constantly in the media spotlight; as to an extent are managers. Their moves, whether sporting or ‘extra-curricular’, are hawked upon by the press and the general public. It seems fair to say then, that to gain notoriety whilst working within an often highly private strata of football is impressive. Then again... [More]

"Hands up if you love fat lasses..."

Jamie Walker on football's most famous fascist...

There are many forms of mentalism. Previously, we have been applying our focus to the ‘stark raving bonkers’, madcap school of insania. This week, we’re stepping away from this school, towards the nasty bastard, ‘I don’t like you ‘cos you’re different’ one. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Paulo Di Canio... [More]

"Want another orange juice Paul?"

Jamie Walker discusses the belching, swearing, mental genius...

This week’s ToePoke dose of crazy might just be the most notorious loon to ever grace the beautiful game. We are, of course, referring to Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne; mercurial talent, rampant alcoholic, and all-round clown... [More]

Bernard Manning and David Blaine had a little-known footballing past...

Jamie Walker begins a quest to find the game's great unhinged...

Here at ToePoke we like a bit of lunacy. After all, it’s the nutters we all tend to remember; Zizou’s headbutt, Eric’s Shaolin fly kick. You get the picture. There are more nuts in football than in an (original) Ronaldo tranny scandal... [More]