'Hey English players, here's something you'll never do.'

Thank you South Africa, you were wonderful. (Unlike this lot)

When a World Cup ends, people often experience a feeling of melancholy deep inside. What most people don't realise is the gnawing pain is actually the first stages of cerrosis of the liver, brought on by drinking over a thousand bottles of strong lager throughout the tournament which they purchased from LIDL's for less than 13p a litre. For the lucky few who manage to avoid an alcohol induced premature death, they can take the memories of each passing World Cup into later life.

 

As I was one of... [More]

'FA Cup final day and the crowd are getting excited. TK Maxx is about to open its doors'

Is there anything out there that beats the magic of the cup? Well, yes. There is. Quite a lot of things as it goes.

There was a time that when FA Cup final day really meant something. Football fans around the country, regardless if their team was involved, would look forward to the match all week and gather round their tiny black and white TV's with their family, enthralled by the greatest cup competition in the world. These days it's a little bit different - apart from maybe Kiddieminster. Non Chelsea and Portsmouth fans are more likely to choose the torturous experience of TK Maxx on a Saturday with the family rather than sit through the undoubted snore-fest of Chelsea v Portsmouth... [More]

'Ok, anymore out of you and it's another yellow card'

Average ex-official becomes below average media commentator...

Here at ToePoke, we often wondered who the hell watched breakfast telly, making rotund (see also clinically obese) Eamonn Holmes  one of Sky News most popular presenters. Since the addition of a baby to the Cynical household, I'm guessing the vast majority of the viewers are fathers, pacing the room, deranged with tiredness and wondering what their life was like before a baby crying was the constant background noise to their every waking moment.

Due to a lack of viable alternatives, ie. sleep and rest, I was forced to tune into Sky Sunrise. Besides, the gaudy coloured graphics Sky like to use at least gave me the thrill of being on some sort of sleep deprived acid trip. [More]

'Shit, Gullit and Keys might literally realise I don't know what I am talking about'

New decade, new danger. Jamie Redknapp is taking over the airwaves...

Now that 'The Noughties' - with their terrorist atrocities, armageddon-stylee natural disasters, global economic meltdowns, Danny Dyer fronted shows about fat, borderline alcoholic men who think they are hard because they have a crap tattoo and a ill-fitting leather jacket - have disappeared into the mists of time I am focusing on the future. Although I am deeply concerned about the above catastrophes that may end human life as we know it, there is one rather more important thing that must be taken care of. For the good of all of us. [More]

Get through half of this and you should be able to handle another Scotland performance

Burley gets the boot, who's next for the crappiest job in football?

And so another inglorious chapter in the recent history of Scottish national football team closes with the sacking of George Burley. If the 'recent history of the Scottish national team' was an actual book, it would be in the bookshop's bargain bin. Actually, it would probably be in a bin round the back of the shop, with some unfortunate homeless person trying to use it as a pillow even though a rabid Alsatian had pissed on it 13 times in the last few hours. And even the rancid urine of a stray dog would not be able to mask the revolting stench that emanated from the pages of that book. The last two years for fans of the Scottish football team have been grim indeed. [More]

Remember, if you don't win you will be shot.

Sven Goran Eriksson says no to dictator shocker!

Is there any job in football Sven Goran Eriksson wouldn't consider  taking if the money was right? News has just come through that he has decided against holding talks about a possible managerial position for the North Korean national team.

This is the same North Korea that are probably building a nuclear bomb big enough to blow away the rest of the world and leave them floating alone, like some sort of massive Ibiza. But without the techno and flat lager. [More]

It will probably never be as good as this again

Do you remember the days when you could go to a pub to watch the football?

It was always going to happen but did anyone realise it would happen so soon? A bit like the rapidly melting polar ice-caps, radical change for the human race is afoot and we may have passed the point of no return.

This, ladies and gentleman, is the beginning of the end. Welcome to football armageddon. [More]

Feeling deflated about football these days?

When did we stop talking about football?...

What a week it has been in football. There have been some great games in all four divisions, the return of the Champions League as well as the opening fixtures in the inaugural Europa League. There has been great action, skills and goals galore, plenty for our hungry sports hacks to fill their pages with. So it came as no surprise when the sports journos decided to ignore all of this and continue to focus on 'Adebayor-Gate'. For those of you unaware of the circumstances of the saga, it can basically be summed up like this. [More]

Churchill: 'I can't believe that bloody dog is more famous than me!'

England expects...

England have booked their place at the World Cup in South Africa next year and the hysteria can now begin in earnest. As soon as the final whistle sounded against Croatia, the same thought flashed through the minds of every fan there and the millions watching at home: We are going to win the World Cup!

In the mind of the nation, England are officially favourites to lift the biggest prize in world football and who could disagree? Spain perhaps? Or maybe Brazil or Germany. But hey, what the hell do those countries know? It’s not like they have won anything recently. [More]

Dive, Dive, Dive!

The football season has only just started and we already have the first bloody ‘controversy’ of the season. Some Croatian/Brazilian/Fanny-Dancer has taken a dive in the box and all hell has broke loose. Apparently, according to the meeja, it’s the end of the world as we know it. Everything else ceases to be of any importance. Good job too, it was getting a bit hairy in those death-camps in the war-torn Sudan, thank God the refugees have something to take their mind off their miserable existence. [More]