It's awards season, and Stephen Roberts is invited. Or not...

Having recently been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a 'merking' by the Slovenian Tourist Board. Sunday night offered a potential glint of redemption in the form of an invite to the prestigious Football League Awards.
 
We couldn't wait to spend the evening situed in the swanky Grosvenor House, Park Lane, chinwagging with the likes of Jimmy Hill, Brian Mawhinney and PFA Chairman, Chris Powell who, incidentally, is still our choice to fill in at left-back should Cashley fail to recover... [More]

Look at what you could've had Florentino - for the next 76,923 years...

Jamie Walker talks us through the Real president's expenditure...

Real Madrid, having spent a figure somewhere close to a quarter of a billion pounds on transfers in the summer, are in a state of turmoil having been dumped out of the Champions League at the quarter finals stage for the sixth year in a row. Though the return of Florentino Perez was supposed to herald Los Nuevos Galacticos, everyone forgot, Florentino included, how badly the plan flopped the first time around... [More]

One day, Jack Rivers will find peace within his soul. Until then, he'll vent his spleen as he ruddy well wants to. Target: Facebook groups...

So there I was, just flicking through photos of my ex-missus on holiday in Tener… I mean, minding my own business on Facebook. Until, however, it came up on my live feed thing that two ‘friends’ (they’re not anymore) had joined a group called Get Well Soon Aaron Ramsey! Oh dear, oh dear... [More]

"Did somebody order some chopsticks?"

On the whole, Stephen Roberts likes football. Really. But there are some things that really grind his gears...

It's easy to be cynical, bitter and twisted in a world where that harpie Jordan aka Katie Price aka Slagathor will earn in a day, what most of us peasants will earn annually. Here at Toepoke, I'm sure you've noticed, we like to think ourselves professional cynics.
 
And as a citizen of these fair isles, it is a God-given gift to be able take the thing you most adore and systematically dismantle it to a state of unrecognition. Personally, I've done this with a few things; kebabs, careers, and relationships - seemingly on a weekly basis. Next on the list, it's the biggy. Football. Here are five things I hate about the game I love. If you get me... [More]

Scales. Used to measure justice. And sometimes to weigh weed.

ToePoke's resident expert on the laws of justice, Jamie Walker, casts his informed eye over the recent penalties given to Wolves for fielding a bare-boned team and to Ashley Cole for baring his bone(r).

Disparity: [dih-spar-i-tee]

Lack of similarity or equality; inequality; difference: a disparity in age; disparity in
rank.

Apparently, this is the word of the past week in the Premiership. Firstly, Wolves receive a suspended £25,000 fine for ‘fielding a weakened side’ against Manchester Utd. Then, if the papers are to be believed, Ashley Cole faces a penalty of £400k and possibly being transfer-listed as a result of the latest sexual indiscretions to emerge from West London. Well, I suppose it’s nice to know where your superior’s loyalties lie... [More]

The award for posting a picture of Julian Dicks and not inserting a crude caption goes to...shit, did we say insert? So close...

Stephen Roberts continues our quite frankly worrying, but not altogether surprising, obsession with West Ham's bongo brothers...

Things are looking a trifle grim down Upton Park. Firstly, porn barons David Sullivan/Gold purchase the debt-ridden club (introducing layered blow-up Russian dolls to the club shop). Then, a man who is the centre-forward the nation really wanted up top with Rooney, Dean Ashton, finally declares what we all sadly realised about 1.34million years ago. And, with three being the magic number, Alan 'I facking love West 'Am, I look a bit like Frank Warren, now give me 2.2million big ones so I can move on and take another side into perpetual mid-table obscurity' Curbishley finally received his... [More]

The Cardiff season ticket fund was put to good use in the boardroom...

...the Ridsdale way. Ranty Welshman Jack Rivers tells us how

Cardiff City have been shortlisted in no less than four categories at this year’s Football League Awards. Nothing out of the ordinary, granted. But get this… the club’s Platinum Ambassador season ticket scheme is up for Best Marketing Campaign Award!

Robbie in the shirt of the only club he ever wanted to play for. Apart from Celtic. And er, Spurs. Probably.

ToePoke's celebrity columnist, and Spurs fan, Juice FM's Guy Lloyd, reveals why his love for 'Super-Keano' is on the wane...

Robbie Keane’s move to Celtic from Spurs was the biggest transfer of an otherwise dull January transfer window. Tottenham manager, Harry Redknapp was quick to stress that it was just a loan and that Celtic ‘probably couldn’t afford to buy him.’ Privately, I think Harry hopes that Keane bags a hatful of goals in the Scottish Premiership between now and the end of the season, so that the likes of Villa or Sunderland come in with a big offer, come the summer... [More]