'Hey English players, here's something you'll never do.'

Thank you South Africa, you were wonderful. (Unlike this lot)

When a World Cup ends, people often experience a feeling of melancholy deep inside. What most people don't realise is the gnawing pain is actually the first stages of cerrosis of the liver, brought on by drinking over a thousand bottles of strong lager throughout the tournament which they purchased from LIDL's for less than 13p a litre. For the lucky few who manage to avoid an alcohol induced premature death, they can take the memories of each passing World Cup into later life.

As I was one of... [More]

'FA Cup final day and the crowd are getting excited. TK Maxx is about to open its doors'

Is there anything out there that beats the magic of the cup? Well, yes. There is. Quite a lot of things as it goes.

There was a time that when FA Cup final day really meant something. Football fans around the country, regardless if their team was involved, would look forward to the match all week and gather round their tiny black and white TV's with their family, enthralled by the greatest cup competition in the world. These days it's a little bit different - apart from maybe Kiddieminster. Non Chelsea and Portsmouth fans are more likely to choose the torturous experience of TK Maxx on a Saturday with the family rather than sit through the undoubted snore-fest of Chelsea v Portsmouth... [More]

Kevin-Prince Boateng: German? Ghanaian? Utter ninny?

Jamie Walker talks sibling rivalry – World Cup stylee...

Every four years, the World Cup descends upon us. A showcase of the World’s greatest football, it never fails to entice, enthrall and captivate fans all over the globe. And yet, with every tournament comes snippets of humour, funny foibles, oddities and firsts that go down in history just as much, perhaps even more so than the games themselves... [More]

Andy and Steve ruddy loved the Bigg Market on a Friday night...

Stephen Roberts talks Newcastle. Like.

Just as last season's dismal drop from the English top tier seemed forgotten, everyone's favourite comedy club outside of Jongleurs hit the headlines for all the wrong, but bizarrely belated reasons.

Andy 'more shit barnets than Liverpool circa 1982' Carroll has left Steven 'England U21's till I die' Taylor needing what sounded like a Kanye West-esque jaw reconstruction (insert piss poor 'through the wey aye' gag). Not content with... [More]

"Hey Puffy, Barry and Paul have just arrived..."

Pappy, Puffy, pee dee, papa diddy pap...whatever his sodding name is, he wants to buy Palace. Which allows Jamie Walker to dream...

When P.Diddy told us “It’s all about the Benjamins”, we all assumed that this was a reference to the frivolous, Bacchanalian lifestyle we have come to expect from your average hip-hopper. Cars, women, overpriced wine - three essential ingredients to prove you’ve made it in the rap game.

Should he go ahead with his purchase of Crystal Palace... [More]

It's awards season, and Stephen Roberts is invited. Or not...

Having recently been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a 'merking' by the Slovenian Tourist Board. Sunday night offered a potential glint of redemption in the form of an invite to the prestigious Football League Awards.
 
We couldn't wait to spend the evening situed in the swanky Grosvenor House, Park Lane, chinwagging with the likes of Jimmy Hill, Brian Mawhinney and PFA Chairman, Chris Powell who, incidentally, is still our choice to fill in at left-back should Cashley fail to recover... [More]

Look at what you could've had Florentino - for the next 76,923 years...

Jamie Walker talks us through the Real president's expenditure...

Real Madrid, having spent a figure somewhere close to a quarter of a billion pounds on transfers in the summer, are in a state of turmoil having been dumped out of the Champions League at the quarter finals stage for the sixth year in a row. Though the return of Florentino Perez was supposed to herald Los Nuevos Galacticos, everyone forgot, Florentino included, how badly the plan flopped the first time around... [More]

One day, Jack Rivers will find peace within his soul. Until then, he'll vent his spleen as he ruddy well wants to. Target: Facebook groups...

So there I was, just flicking through photos of my ex-missus on holiday in Tener… I mean, minding my own business on Facebook. Until, however, it came up on my live feed thing that two ‘friends’ (they’re not anymore) had joined a group called Get Well Soon Aaron Ramsey! Oh dear, oh dear... [More]

"Did somebody order some chopsticks?"

On the whole, Stephen Roberts likes football. Really. But there are some things that really grind his gears...

It's easy to be cynical, bitter and twisted in a world where that harpie Jordan aka Katie Price aka Slagathor will earn in a day, what most of us peasants will earn annually. Here at Toepoke, I'm sure you've noticed, we like to think ourselves professional cynics.
 
And as a citizen of these fair isles, it is a God-given gift to be able take the thing you most adore and systematically dismantle it to a state of unrecognition. Personally, I've done this with a few things; kebabs, careers, and relationships - seemingly on a weekly basis. Next on the list, it's the biggy. Football. Here are five things I hate about the game I love. If you get me... [More]

Scales. Used to measure justice. And sometimes to weigh weed.

ToePoke's resident expert on the laws of justice, Jamie Walker, casts his informed eye over the recent penalties given to Wolves for fielding a bare-boned team and to Ashley Cole for baring his bone(r).

Disparity: [dih-spar-i-tee]

Lack of similarity or equality; inequality; difference: a disparity in age; disparity in
rank.

Apparently, this is the word of the past week in the Premiership. Firstly, Wolves receive a suspended £25,000 fine for ‘fielding a weakened side’ against Manchester Utd. Then, if the papers are to be believed, Ashley Cole faces a penalty of £400k and possibly being transfer-listed as a result of the latest sexual indiscretions to emerge from West London. Well, I suppose it’s nice to know where your superior’s loyalties lie... [More]