'Hey English players, here's something you'll never do.'

Thank you South Africa, you were wonderful. (Unlike this lot)

When a World Cup ends, people often experience a feeling of melancholy deep inside. What most people don't realise is the gnawing pain is actually the first stages of cerrosis of the liver, brought on by drinking over a thousand bottles of strong lager throughout the tournament which they purchased from LIDL's for less than 13p a litre. For the lucky few who manage to avoid an alcohol induced premature death, they can take the memories of each passing World Cup into later life.

As I was one of... [More]

Jamie Walker smells something rotten. Lots of ruddy bacon...

William Shakespeare once wrote, "something is rotten in the state of Denmark". Based on our knowledge of those Scandinavians, nowadays it is more likely to refer to gone-off bacon than fratricidal kings. Still, let us whittle along to you, dear readers, about the home of Peter Schmeichel, Carlsberg and Lego... [More]

Jamie Walker takes a look at the now eerily likeable German side...

In 1841, August Heinrich Hoffmann wrote the lyrics "Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles; uber alles in der Welt." Much to the relief of Englishmen the world over, the Germans haven't been world beaters since 1990. So, sit back with a Bratwurst, pull up those Lederhosen, and enjoy the ToePoke synopsis of our industrious chums, the Germans... [More]

Stephen Roberts checks out Chile. As in Chil-ee. Not to be confused with Adrian 'I wish I was chiselled like Frank Lampard' Chile...s

General Augusto Pinochet once said "I regret and suffer those losses, but it's God's will. He will pardon me if I committed excesses, but I don't think I did." Admittedly believing him is a bit of a chore. The man managed to plunder $28million during his reign as the Chilean non-dictator, which coincidentally, is the same figure that Lazio forked out to ship Marcelo Salas over from River Plate. You do the math. Comrades, without further ado, we give you ToePoke's guide to the world's third largest exporter of copper... [More]

Jamie Walker grabs a molotov cocktail and checks out Algeria...

Algeria, the 11th largest country in the world. Full of oil, dates and once visited by quintessential Englishman Michael Palin. Since then, they've been waiting for payback. Which is something nobody wants to experience, just ask the French. And the Egyptians... [More]

Oh, Mexico. The sun's so hot Stephen Roberts forgot to go home...

Don't you just hate it when your better half slips into something more comfortable, leads you upstairs by the hand, gives you those 'come to bed' eyes and then locks you in a room for four hours until you produce a national anthem for your homeland? Well next time it happens, fret not, but instead take inspiration from Francisco Gonzalez Bocanegra, who found himself in that very situation and thus produced the Mexican national anthem. Ladies and Gents, finish this overly long intro yourself. The Mexicans. Andalay! Andalay! Arriba! [More]

'FA Cup final day and the crowd are getting excited. TK Maxx is about to open its doors'

Is there anything out there that beats the magic of the cup? Well, yes. There is. Quite a lot of things as it goes.

There was a time that when FA Cup final day really meant something. Football fans around the country, regardless if their team was involved, would look forward to the match all week and gather round their tiny black and white TV's with their family, enthralled by the greatest cup competition in the world. These days it's a little bit different - apart from maybe Kiddieminster. Non Chelsea and Portsmouth fans are more likely to choose the torturous experience of TK Maxx on a Saturday with the family rather than sit through the undoubted snore-fest of Chelsea v Portsmouth... [More]

Kevin-Prince Boateng: German? Ghanaian? Utter ninny?

Jamie Walker talks sibling rivalry – World Cup stylee...

Every four years, the World Cup descends upon us. A showcase of the World’s greatest football, it never fails to entice, enthrall and captivate fans all over the globe. And yet, with every tournament comes snippets of humour, funny foibles, oddities and firsts that go down in history just as much, perhaps even more so than the games themselves... [More]

Starter for ten: What country has Tegucigalpa as its capital city? Jamie Walker has the answer...

Interested in taking a holiday to one of the world’s most beautiful places? Jungles, tropical reefs, thousands of years of history, culture and engineering sound like your thing? Well, enjoy all this and an abject human rights record when you take a trip of a lifetime... to Honduras! [More]

Jamie Walker's going Japanese. We really think so...

Japan: The Land of the Rising Sun. Home to Godzilla, Pokémon, and some very strange customs. Where else in the world can you eat sea urchin, deadly blowfish and raw whale, all whilst indulging in what might just be the strangest series of censorship laws we’ve ever scoured the internet to find. If you don’t quite understand such allusions, it’s probably best we don’t ruin your innocence. To those that do, let’s all say a big “Arigatou Gozaimasu” to our friends, the Japanese...