Rules: there to be broken. Now put your mouth round this...

From the safe haven of South Africa, we return to the gun-toting murderous land we call England. Oh the irony...

So there you have it. After four weeks, 64 games and a ten-hour return flight seemingly transporting half of the world's TV media and their unfeasibly large hand luggage, our stonking month in South Africa is over. Five live games in three brilliant stadiums, the majority of the rest watched at jam-packed, passion-fuelled fan fests, and a handful of local attractions visited would suggest that we'd had a ruddy good time. And you know what, we did.

But unlike the majority of the press over here... [More]

Booze in the stands. And England fans. And no trouble? What the...

It's patronising pats on the head all round for Rodders and co...

At least four locals had asked us prior to the game if our "boys are going to behave themselves", as if they were all five-year-old terrors prone to pissing on school hymn sheets, and the Saffas' fear regarding the potential hooligan element was palatable and somewhat embarrassing... [More]

ToePoke does Table Mountain. And the critics said we'd never reach the heights...

We arrive in the Mother City...

"Perhaps it was history that ordained that it be here, at the Cape of Good Hope that we should lay the foundation stone of our new nation. For it was here at this Cape, over three centuries ago, that there began the fateful convergence of the peoples of Africa, Europe and Asia on these shores." [More]

Durban's Fan Fest. On the beach, in the sun. Tough times eh?

It's ToePoke's World Cup debut, featuring Aussies and, er, Germans...

After two cautious but enjoyable days in Jo'burg for the opening game, an eight-hour journey to the warmer climes of Durban lay in wait.

Our fellow travelers were an eclectic bunch, ranging from local Saffas travelling for work and holiday, to a handful of Aussis making their way for their opening group game against Germany, the match we'd also be making our World Cup debut at.

The trip was... [More]

Chilling on the beach, Saffa-stylee... 

What we've garnered so far from our time in Saffa...

Maradona wants to remind us of Italia '90
OK, so the fat cheating one didn't bother shaving, but by donning a very tight-fitting (yet probably still XXL) suit, he was clearly attempting to alter the perception of him as genius player/batshit manager. Turns out... [More]

A FIFA Fan Fest. In Soweto. No joke...

ToePoke live the dream...

After 11 hours, 5000 miles and an apt choice of Invictus for the in-flight movie (and, er, Scrubs and Peep Show), we set foot on South African soil, as our unexpectedly smooth British Airways flight got us to Johannesburg without a hitch on Thursday evening.

It took approximately twenty seconds to see the first Welcome to South Africa poster, obviously featuring the chap we'd just seen wonderfully portrayed by Morgan Freeman, and we couldn't help but get a little giddy at the month to come.

That excitement was tempered somewhat, however... [More]

South Africa's traffic lights were certainly unique...

We speak to the band ready to open the greatest show on earth...

They're South Africa's biggest rock band and they've been chosen to play alongside the likes of Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys and Shakira at the FIFA World Cup opening concert on Thursday. Which just so happens to be the day ToePoke arrive in Johannesburg. Cue 20 minutes over the phone with lead singer Kahn Morbee in a vain attempt to blag a ticket. Also known as an interview... [More]

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

American geography lessons = work needed...

Check this out. At first we thought the US news network above was simply being shockingly lazy, failing to label South Africa over its rightful position at the bottom of Africa (funny that). Only, a closer look reveals that they've not even picked the correct continent, and instead gone for the one just below them. Genius.

Altogether now... "I'm Ron Burgundy?"

Stephen Roberts checks out the hosts...

Stab vests, the world's highest murder rate, a team not even good enough to qualify for the African Nations Cup, featuring such powerhouses as Gabon, Malawi and Mozambique. The subject of South Africa hosting the World Cup is a relatively easy one for cynical bastards like us. So here's what we came up with... [More]

Ji Sung Park and Will Ferrell (both left of shot) knew all too well the advantages of following Brazil...

Well, everybody else is doing it...

You know how it goes, the World Cup draw is made and everyone goes batshit. Blokes everywhere in England plot their route to the final, the TV stations show little fancy diagrams with various pundits' predictions, and the hacks also can't help but have a go in the dailies.

Even just this evening, Colin Murray and Perry Groves on 5Live have already tipped England to beat Germany on penalties in the final, while the voice of reason, Pat Nevin, had them losing to Brazil in the semi.

In Scotland and Wales, they'll be analysing just how plausible it is that Jay DeMerit will manage to man-mark Rooney out of the game, and whether Kamil Gilas will be able to embarrass John Terry. In Ireland they'll be picking out which South African player will happily decapitate Mnsr. Gillette.

So we're going to have a go too... [More]