What? It's our Champions League punt of course. What did you think?

It's the biggy. The one the football world has been waiting for. Two sides who play the game just as it should be played duel this evening in a game being billed as a battle of the football purists. So who will reign? We don't know, we're not watching Forest Green v Barrow, we've got ITV1 on for some little shindig between a team consisting of mainly Spanish and French players masquerading as an English club and a South American side pretending to be a Spanish institution. Should be a giggle. Especially when there's a considerable amount of moolah (see: £9.99) on it...

Wor Bets

Mad Jens: Making the sneaky bird cool way before Barry Ferguson

Mad Jens calls it a day, so we pay tribute...

“I will play my last game on May 8 when the Bundesliga season ends. That's what the family council decided."

That's right, the former Germany and Arsenal goalkeeper revealed today that he'll be retiring come May at the age of 40, so let's take a bit of time to remember why we all love him. Is it because he was one of the ever-present Arsenal unbeatables of 2003-04? Or for being one of the few people who had the stones to give Oliver Khan some stick? Maybe it's the quite frankly ridiculous pube-fro? It is, of course, all of these. But mainly, it's because he was, and still is, truly, utterly batshit. Enjoy...

'Despite his own anguish, Kaffour tries to help his fallen comrades after Solksjaer's winner'

It's quarter final time and United hope to party like it's 1999. Again.

Bayern Munich v Manchester United

There are two 'Clash of the Titans' hitting our screens this week. One is a 'jumping on the Avatar bandwagon' 3D romp about guys in metal underpants fighting weird looking creatures. The other is a game of football between Bayern Munich and Man Utd. Hopefully this match won't be in 3D as the sight of Darren Fletcher, Wayne rooney and Gary Neville popping out of the screen  will be far  weirder and scarier than anything those pimply computer geeks can come up with for the sandals and swords crap. [More]

Andy and Steve ruddy loved the Bigg Market on a Friday night...

Stephen Roberts talks Newcastle. Like.

Just as last season's dismal drop from the English top tier seemed forgotten, everyone's favourite comedy club outside of Jongleurs hit the headlines for all the wrong, but bizarrely belated reasons.

Andy 'more shit barnets than Liverpool circa 1982' Carroll has left Steven 'England U21's till I die' Taylor needing what sounded like a Kanye West-esque jaw reconstruction (insert piss poor 'through the wey aye' gag). Not content with... [More]

The best of the web. Other than this blog, obviously...

This week we've learned what an "inside-out winger" is thanks the Guardian, have witnessed Leo Messi in his undercrackers, and seen the greatest own goal Croatian football has (probably) ever seen. Oh, and the bitter Paddies reach new lows...

Neville Southall was chuffed with the new look...

Jamie Walker takes on the dust-loving Scorpion King...

Few could bring a smile to the face of football fans the world over like René Higuita, the 5’9” Colombian keeper who has seemingly ticked every box regarding all-round legend status in the game. Not only that, but he’s repeatedly shown all the extravagances necessary to be a ToePoke Mental. For those aspiring for such accolades, take note... [More]

Floral pinnies - don't be seen in Cardiff without one...

Football fashion...with Cardiff City's Joe Ledley

Social networking eh? Other than laughing at drunken photos of your mates or cringing at, er, drunken photos of yourself, it causes nothing but trouble if you ask us. "Who's that girl you've just added as a friend?" she'll ask. "I thought you were ill last night, why is there a picture of you in the pub?" and so on and so on.

So Cardiff's Joe Ledley is probably cursing the world of Facebook after his missus decided to upload a picture of him dressed in a beautiful floral print pinny (click [More] to see the full outift - you won't regret it). And he's probably even more gutted that... [More]

Tottenaham boss gives young star advice on honourability...(snort)

Portsmouth's Jamie O'Hara, on loan from Tottenham, has admitted he hopes the North London club get beat by Fulham in their FA cup tie. This would allow him to play in the semi-final at Wembley, as the terms of his loan prevent him from facing Spurs. [More]

It's the worldy interplanetery of the week!

#9 Lionel Messi
Zaragoza v Barcelona
21st March 2010

"Tonight, I saw Diego Maradona. But at more revs per minute. There are no words left to describe him – he is interplanetary. We could have... [More]

Stephen Roberts hearts Mardi Gras. And while you ponder just why that might be, he guides us through the side we'll all be keeping an eye on in Saffa...

Samba...de Janeiro. Remember that one? We actually remember it being a little catchier and less annoying than that, but ho hum. We also remember a time when the Brazilian football team were a crazy bunch of airport-destroying individual drifters. Not anymore. Dunga has cultivated a side focusing on keeping clean sheets and winning 1-0. So what the hell is that all about? [More]