As the England captain might say: "merked"...

Cos this is what all the respected sports outlets are doing these days...

Here we are, the big one. The event the world has been talking about - will John Terry and Wayne Bridge kiss and make up on the pitch? Just like every body else worth their salt, we bring you minute-by-minute coverage of it all...

Wayne Bridge pulls out of England Squad. A nation mourns the loss of a painfully average footballer...

As one of the world's foremost sports media outlets, ToePoke.net can assert considerable influence as we see fit. Once again, we have used this power to obtain the transcripts of the telephone conversation in which Wayne Bridge informs Fabio Capello he wants to be ruled out of squad contention. [More]

Slovenia...bet you'll love it

What a ruddy genius way to try and get people to come to your country - tempt them with a bet. Regardless of the Slovenian tourist board's tactics, we received this cordial invite to a do in March for, well, we're not all that sure to be honest. Since there's no talk of food and/or drink, we're not bowled over by it, in fact we're a tad intrigued by the penultimate line which finishes "......and a bit of fun". Kinky.

Should we go? Let us know what you think here toepoke.net@gmail.com. And feel free to send us any invites to sex parties masquerading as World Cup football meets. Just make sure there's food...

Filtering out the dross from Thursday's papers, and collecting it all in one juicy bundle...

Today Rafa is being personally abused by BMI-scrutinising Romanians, Bobby Manc is on the verge of his first British press roasting, and proof the Sun had to file their copy nice and early last night...

"Did somebody order some chopsticks?"

On the whole, Stephen Roberts likes football. Really. But there are some things that really grind his gears...

It's easy to be cynical, bitter and twisted in a world where that harpie Jordan aka Katie Price aka Slagathor will earn in a day, what most of us peasants will earn annually. Here at Toepoke, I'm sure you've noticed, we like to think ourselves professional cynics.
 
And as a citizen of these fair isles, it is a God-given gift to be able take the thing you most adore and systematically dismantle it to a state of unrecognition. Personally, I've done this with a few things; kebabs, careers, and relationships - seemingly on a weekly basis. Next on the list, it's the biggy. Football. Here are five things I hate about the game I love. If you get me... [More]

The scene they had to cut from Twin Peaks for being too weird...

The 1990 World Cup was notable for two things. England actually had a half decent tournament and their World Cup song, World In Motion, wasn't actually that bad. Ok, that total knob-head Keith Allen sang on it (the second worst thing he has produced after his daughter Lily) and John Barnes' rapping was truly awful. But, all things being equal, New Order put together... [More]

Finally, a man who just can't hide his utter despair at the thought of spending an hour in the company of Alan Hansen...

Could Slaven Bilic look any less enthused about being on the MOTD 2 panel? Mind you, we can't really blame him. Would you like to spend time in the company of the joint most annoying Scotsman in the world (a title he shares with Alan Cumming) and a tramp?

To be fair, judging by the suit, it seems he may just have arrived from a wake. Which begs the question, 'How skint must this guy be if he needs the Beeb's appearance fee, despite the fact he is mourning a member of his family?' Chin up Slav, at least you always have the fond memory of making Steve McLaren look like the utter tit he is to get you through those difficult times.

Thanks to our good friend at Healthy Scratch for giving us the heads up on this video.

Scales. Used to measure justice. And sometimes to weigh weed.

ToePoke's resident expert on the laws of justice, Jamie Walker, casts his informed eye over the recent penalties given to Wolves for fielding a bare-boned team and to Ashley Cole for baring his bone(r).

Disparity: [dih-spar-i-tee]

Lack of similarity or equality; inequality; difference: a disparity in age; disparity in
rank.

Apparently, this is the word of the past week in the Premiership. Firstly, Wolves receive a suspended £25,000 fine for ‘fielding a weakened side’ against Manchester Utd. Then, if the papers are to be believed, Ashley Cole faces a penalty of £400k and possibly being transfer-listed as a result of the latest sexual indiscretions to emerge from West London. Well, I suppose it’s nice to know where your superior’s loyalties lie... [More]

The award for posting a picture of Julian Dicks and not inserting a crude caption goes to...shit, did we say insert? So close...

Stephen Roberts continues our quite frankly worrying, but not altogether surprising, obsession with West Ham's bongo brothers...

Things are looking a trifle grim down Upton Park. Firstly, porn barons David Sullivan/Gold purchase the debt-ridden club (introducing layered blow-up Russian dolls to the club shop). Then, a man who is the centre-forward the nation really wanted up top with Rooney, Dean Ashton, finally declares what we all sadly realised about 1.34million years ago. And, with three being the magic number, Alan 'I facking love West 'Am, I look a bit like Frank Warren, now give me 2.2million big ones so I can move on and take another side into perpetual mid-table obscurity' Curbishley finally received his... [More]

Steve Martin's successor was just as annoying. Smaller nose though...

Our camp colours correspondent Jack Rivers hearts Ashley Cole...

They say it takes a real man to be able to pull off pink. Well, in the context of the above photo, make of that saying what you will. This week, apart from trying to save his marriage, Ashley Cole will mostly be wearing a... [More]