It's the long-awaited return of our piss-poor bets...

Apologies for our long absence from tipping, we'd like to tell you that we've given it up as a New Year's resolution, but that would be a lie - as one look at our Betfair balance would prove. Still, we should've probably been in touch about our tenner on Egypt to win the African Nations at 10/1 before the tournament, which is looking peachy at the minute. Nonetheless, nobody likes a smug post-event punter, so we're back with our bets this Saturday, providing you with a weekly betting scapegoat...

JT: "Influencial" (sic)

And the retrospective bad idea of the year award goes to...

...Riviera Entertainment PR firm for releasing this advert for their client a few months back. Though they only narrowly beat Daddies Sauce, who awarded him the Dad of the Year title in 2008. He's got three-year-old twins.

And that's about all we're going to say, because we've seen the injunction and it's pretty scary - not that we have any assets to freeze mind you. But we have met big JT before and have a canny little anecdote. Wanna hear it? Send us an email at toepoke.net@gmail.com with your favourite nickname for Terry in the subject header, and we'll get back to you with an email chock full of words like "allegedly." Because we're wusses...

Football's old hat. All the cool kids are doing politics now...

Elections, Chilcot inquiries, expenses, badly-coiffured hair - you can't move for politics these days. Question Time is getting bigger ratings than Big Brother, Andrew Neil is cooler than Ray Stubbs, and Gordon Brown is saving the world from meltdown (all lies. Probably). So while we were always told not to get involved in things we knew little about, it doesn't seem to have done Jamie Redknapp any harm. So as soon as we saw... [More]

With everything in place, the ESPN content meeting could begin...

Somebody's having a laugh at everybody's second favourite satellite sports broadcaster...

Now we're not daft. Honest. We know that if a TV network has paid a hell of a lot of Uncle Rico's moolah for some exclusive Premier Leauge football, they're going to do their best to sell it to the millions of potential viewers. So it becomes a bit tricky when you're the geeky new boy of sports broadcasting and the bigger, older bully has forced you to step in dog muck. Which is our tenuous analogy for ESPN reluctantly airing... [More]

'C'mon ladies, dont be shy, take your pick from one of these handsome men'

ToePoke goes Crimewatch and helps police track down some wrong 'uns...

As everyone knows, there is no place for hooliganism and violence in modern football. That is mainly due to those darn all seater stadiums. It's hard to have a good ruck when you are tripping over seated women and children who are halfway through a £17.50 hamburger and coke.

We joke of course. Here at ToePoke we are totally against all forms of violence. Unless, of course, someone is kicking the shit out of the Stereophonics. That we can live with. Anyway, in an effort to help the police track down these scallywags, we can exclusively reveal the identities of all of the accused. [More]

Anyone missing this tart yet?

If you haven't yet stopped laughing at the fact the big greasy clart was sent off for lashing out at Malaga defender Patrick Mtiliga at the weekend, or even at this excuse that it wasn't his fault because "he's a little guy...and that meant I caught his nose by accident," then you might find his recent comments a tad chucklesome... [More]

At the third stroke, Fergie time sponsored by Accurist will be...

The Dark Lord loses his grip on the time-space continuum...

Sir Alex of Ferguson is famed for his favourite hobby - the ancient art of time-manipulation. Whether it's stopwatches, scoreboard timers or sand-filled hourglasses, the Ferglar loves nothing better than plucking extra minutes and hours from nowhere to craft and mold as he sees fit. Need an extra seven minutes of injury time to grab a couple of goals? No problems for Fergus. So he's probably regretting not using his special powers today... [More]

'Don't worry, I will be totally fine for training tomorrow'

87

The amount of weight, in pounds, Robinho will gain during his loan spell as he hits the clubs of Brazil.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a FACT!

'Ok, anymore out of you and it's another yellow card'

Average ex-official becomes below average media commentator...

Here at ToePoke, we often wondered who the hell watched breakfast telly, making rotund (see also clinically obese) Eamonn Holmes  one of Sky News most popular presenters. Since the addition of a baby to the Cynical household, I'm guessing the vast majority of the viewers are fathers, pacing the room, deranged with tiredness and wondering what their life was like before a baby crying was the constant background noise to their every waking moment.

Due to a lack of viable alternatives, ie. sleep and rest, I was forced to tune into Sky Sunrise. Besides, the gaudy coloured graphics Sky like to use at least gave me the thrill of being on some sort of sleep deprived acid trip. [More]

Stephen Roberts lights a doobie, does the windmill and goes Dutch...

Amsterdam cafés, Van Gogh, cheese cocooned in non-edible red wax and the Zuider Zee project (the only bit of GCSE Geography that I remember, barring Ox-bow lakes). The Dutch are just, well, a bit daft. Their national side however, are a force to be reckoned with. This current crop of young pretenders are in with a serious shout at dethroning past masters such as Cruyff, Neeskens, Gullit and Koeman to name but a few. Let’s do this shit... [More]