The swift trip to A&E left Dave regretting abusing Rochdale's new turnstile system...

ToePoke's Jack Rivers helps us in our quest to find the 99 things that have long gone from our beloved game...

To nasal strips, bog rolls, proper drop balls and northern names you can now add well-designed footas and matches in the slippy white stuff...

Cristiano was sure Wazza would appreciate his Christmas gift...

Think football couldn't get any more sordid? Welcome to Catalonia...

The Virgin Mary, Three Wise Men, the sweet baby Jesus, and Cristiano Ronaldo taking a dump in the corner. Spot the odd one out from a typical nativity scene? Well in Spain, or more specifically Catalonia, there isn't one...

"take that Hansen!"

Welcome to the world of the man who won't be writing Alan Hansen's autobiography, ToePoke's newest columnist, Jamie Walker...

Premier League managers are vindictive bastards. All season long, I’ve had to bare witness to them berating the referees; wanting nudges to be fouls; fouls to be bookings; and the great grail known as the red card? May as well turn that into some form of electroshock therapy then. Yet when it comes to me actually wanting them to behave in such an infantile manner, they desert me. Therefore, I’m left to moan about the lacklustre state of footballing commentary in this country... [More]

Gordon would regret watching that episode of The Office when Brent makes the inappropriate cock joke...

ToePoke's resident Tartan-enthusiast, Stephen Roberts, does his best to once again upset ToePoke's loyal audience north of the border*...

*all 13 of them

I'm guessing Craig Brown may be at the business end of a fortnight's pre-Christmas binge, just to get him into the swing of things for when the real gig kicks off on Christmas Eve. Fair play to him, but he's just produced an absolute corker via old Aunty Beeb... [More]

10,000

The amount, in pounds, it will cost you if you want John Terry to show you where Didier Drogba et al drop their smelly pants after training.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is er...alleged.

Branislav? Anton? Kenwyne? What's wrong with Len, Stanley and Archie?

Chris Keeley chips in with more things we no longer see at football matches...

To nasal strips, bog rolls and proper drop balls, you can now add northern names, Jamie Redknapp's humility and great tannoy announcements... [More]

The chuckle brothers were pretty handy in their day...

Stephen Roberts wriggles into a fancy leotard and discusses Sparky Hughes' sacking...

Well yesterday afternoon's worst keep secret was finally unveiled on Saturday evening. Hughes out. Mancini in. According to City chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak "a return of two wins in 11 Premier League games is clearly not in line with the targets that were agreed and set." Fair enough. A bit of looking at the cup half-empty. But valid reasoning nevertheless... [More]

We've got a deep-sea diver on a four-fold today, and we fancy it...

Shakin Stevens, he was a laugh wasn't he? Also, a bit of a bullshitter. "Snow is falling, all around us, children playing, having fun." Maybe so Shaky, but if those children have no local football team to go and watch because the sodding snow has had their game called off, then we'd beg to differ about the "fun" part to those lyrics.

Anyway, it means today that there's already big games called off at Blackpool and Cardiff, not to mention a whole host of League Two fixtures. So our weather warning today isn't to watch your step, it's to make sure you don't frustratingly back a game that's been curtailed by the white shit from the sky. So fingers crossed our four-fold, which we're pretty confident about (always a worrying sign), will not be affected: [More]

Jose on a good day...

ToePoke's Stephen Roberts becomes number 62 of 55,678 people who'll air their views on the Champions League draw...

This is passion. This is football. This is magic. Said the boring, bald, Swiss fella.
 
Well it was inevitable. Chelsea would be paired with Inter and Man United with AC Meelan. What are the odds? Cue Sky Sports reseachers digging out that clip of Mourinho pegging down the Old Trafford touchline, that clip of Becks dribbling in his AC training gear and that clip of Kaka mugging The Fletch, avoiding Heinze, Evra and potential decapitation before slotting past Van der Sar. Admittedly unearthing the Mourinho clip shouldn't be too much of a task. It gets an outing every week.
 
So what happens next?... [More]

Jose had a special present for Roman on his return to Stamford Bridge...

You just can't write this stuff. Or can you?

Well, well, well. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, here's the Champions League draw in full:

AC Milan v MAN UTD
Porto v ARSENAL
Lyon v Real Madrid
CSKA Moscow v Sevilla
Bayern Munich v Fiorentina
Inter Milan v CHELSEA
Olympiakos v Bordeaux
Stuttgart v Barcelona

Which, according to the English press for the next eight weeks, means only two things: Beckham v Man United and Jose v Chelsea. You might as well forget about the rest, because the press will. Who'd have thunk it eh? Well, this man probably: